Randal Olson (who also made this graph highlighting hollywood's bloodiest movies) recently posted this chart tracking the most popular YouTube videos ever uploaded:

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For every office drone and high school student that's used YouTube as their own personal radio this comes as no surprise. A number one global hit song will be replayed dozens of times by a single person. Plus you can see just how DOMINANT Psy's "Gangnam Style" has remained after its initial rise. This is like if Weird Al's "Amish Paradise" outsold The Beatles' and The Rolling Stones' entire discography. 

But when you think of traditional "YouTube Videos" you don't really want to count the VEVO-sphere. We want to know about the candid moments, the epic fails and comedy sketches that have made viral history: That's why Daniel Hadley posted an adjusted chart:

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Now here's where things get weird. If you're reading this now, I'm going to safely assume that you have been an active (ugh) "Web Surfer" for a good part of your life. You've seen scientific explosions and acapella champions and epic trailer remixes, but all of that is DWARFED by...

 

MASHA AND THE MOTHERFUCKING BEAR.

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A russian-language children's cartoon that is so popular, I'm amazed nobody has decided to bring it overseas. If "Pokemon" could be a hit in America, then "dead-eyed CGI girl and eyebrow bear" is a no-brainer. 

 

The video "thigh massage video" has garnered 270 million hits solely on the implied sketchiness of this thumbnail:

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And here is what weirdos have been actually clicking on for the past 7 years:

 

The other truly surprise hits were the egg videos. There's thousands of these things out there and it's always just a dude's hands opening plastic eggs and inspecting the toys inside. Sometimes they're chocolate Kinder eggs, sometimes they're covered in play-doh, but they're always opened onscreen. I guess it's a universal experience, the cheap thrill of opening a plastic toy capsule and seeing what's inside. Like the forces of toy collectors, nostalgia and ASMR have combined to create a unique and undefeatable hybrid.

 

 

There you have it, some of the most popular pieces of content ever created and none of them were "Too Many Cooks".