6. Awkward puzzle-porn in 7 Sins


Like The Guy Game, Leisure Suit Larry and BabeBlaster 3: Return of Pubetressa, 7 Sins is one of those "sexy" games made for (and potentially by) people who have never had sex. Technically the game revolves around social trials relating to the deadly sins, but most know it for the multitude of vapid females for which to woo and lay on top of. It's not like "sexy" games shouldn't exist, but you don't get to use that term when making out looks like this:

 As you can see, these copulation-bots have initiated kiss protocols and proceed to their standing sequence following sufficient tongueosity. If seeing dead-eyed androids attempting a facsimile of love isn't your thing, there's always the stimulating puzzle games:

The goal of this segment is to "Find the G-spot," which like in real life is achieved by gliding an orb around a pixelated image. You are rewarded for your prowess with tantalizing reveals of a generous man having sex -- or as the game would put it, Sex Sex Sex! -- with a boneless woman whose organs have been liquefied. Upon completion of your underwear sex, 7 Sins announces you have reached the "highest relationship level" with your partner. You might as well kill yourself, because the human experience doesn't get any better from here.


5. Ride to Hell: Retribution's pants-on sex-off


Though it was only released in 2013, Ride to Hell: Retribution has gained legendary cult status among the masochists in the bad-game-fan community. In RtH, you hopefully will never play as bad boy Jake Conway on a quest for revenge. Yeah, the shooting is terrible and the driving sequences are a joke, but the things most people gravitate towards are the unbelievably bad sex scenes.

This pitiful merry-go-round of flesh is supposed to be your reward for completing a mission. This is what it's like for the whole game, as your sad caveman sleepwalks between objectives in an effort to grind and grunt in the general vicinity of multiple mannequin women. The developers didn't even bother programming naked character models for the sex scenes. 

Minutes after employing Jake employs services of a prostitute, a voluptuous car mechanic gets her turn to ride to hell. Unless they ripped a hole in that denim onesie, that's the most elaborate dryhumping I've ever seen. Then there's the most excruciating threesome ever witnessed.

People made this game, the discs were pressed in a factory and sent to stores where people could buy them. There's no going back