Video games can do almost anything. They can empower you with invincibility stars or decimate your confidence after three seconds of Dark Souls. But rarely do video games ever succeed at being sexy. Even moreso than superhero comics, video games have had a rough time depicting a virtual bout of blanket hornpipe. Part of it is the fact that tapping buttons and spinning analog sticks just doesn't do a whole lot to approximate what it's really like to bump uglies. Even if it's only featured in a cutscene or in the background, video game sex almost always turns out awkward -- but developers and publishers decide to leave it in anyway. Except for this first one...
It's impossible to talk about awkward sex in video games without mentioning Grand Theft Auto's' "Hot Coffee" incident. If you weren't alive in 2005 -- well, first give us some of your pure virgin blood so that we may imbibe on the Devil's Night to retain our human form -- but if you aren't otherwise familiar, "Hot Coffee" referred to explicit sex scenes hidden in the code of GTA: San Andreas. You couldn't view or play the scenes it without modding the game, but that didn't stop it from boiling the ankle-length britches of parents and news stations across the country. All that furor over this:
What first appears to be a very unorthodox zipper repair is actually one of the first instances of fellatio depicted in a video game. Looking at it now, it's not really that different than the tame sexual detours in stuff like God of War. It's not even softcore Skinemax level -- she's wearing underwear, and our view of what is most certainly a highly-detailed visual representation of a blowjob is obscured. What could be so--
Oh. I guess I can see the trouble here. Despite the fact that their clothes are on, this is definitely detailed (and hilarious) playable sex. What's truly baffling is that some programmer made this at the behest of the Sam Houser, one of the masterminds behind the series. In Houser's view, the only way for video games to be seen on the same artistic level as books and movies was to include graphic sex minigames to allow the player to digifuck their rubbery in-game girlfriends. The ESRB thought differently, and so the scenes were cut in order to get an M rating. The game sold millions of copies anyway, because jetpacks are an acceptable substitute for sex.
You can do some pretty messed up stuff to your Sims. You can electrocute them, you can make them wallow in their pee or even instill them with an inescapable sense of self-doubt that will haunt them for their professional lives. But the most common Sim-sadism comes when you force two people into emotionless boinking by repeatedly clicking their faces together until one of them reluctantly whimpers: "Woo... Hoo." If a Sim should die a horrific but purely accidental death in a doorless room with nothing but a fireplace and a stack of wicker baskets, then you're screwed out of screwing. Well, unless you make your Sim into a ghost.
That's right, with some finagling you are able to spark relationships and do coitus with spooky ghosts. But to what end? Are ghosts even good between the sheets? It seems like it'd be like it'd be about as satisfying as humping a light breeze. And it's not like you could even get a Sim ghost pregnant if you wante--
Oh, wow. The implications here are intense. If ghosts can do it and then get pregnant, what really separates the living from the dead? Do the babies stay babies forever like the toys in Toy Story? Is there a Sims cheat-code to un-learn things?