The 5 WORST Items

 

1. The Beetle

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Doot doot doo, I'm playing some Smash, la la la la- AAAAAAH!!!! NOOOOO!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

- Everyone, the first time they get hit with the Beetle item.

Maybe I'm just unfamiliar with this item, and in time it will be as old and familiar as the Super Scope... but until then I am a boiling cauldron of putrid hate for this thing. This tiny bug will just carry you up into the sky for an easy and undeserved KO. It's easy to miss on the 3DS screen, and when it finally gets you there's still this cruel moment of "huh, that's weird I didn't hit jump- and I'm dead". It's not the only item that does this, but it's the most innocuous and therefore incredibly annoying. On top of that, THIS ITEM WAS CRAP BACK IN SKYWARD SWORD. No amount of motion plus could ever make me enjoy piloting this flappy booger. 

FUN.

 

2. Cuccos

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(Slow Clap) You did it Nintendo.  Just like how you incorporated the reviving power of the fairy bottle, so too did you completely recapture the terror and frustration of a Cucco attack in the world of Smash. Coming at you in an inescapable and unyielding torrent of giblets, once you've been marked by the Cucco, there's no respite. Just take the damage, put the 3DS down, and accept that control is merely an illusion we create to stay sane.

 

3. Deku Nut

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Are you food?

You look like food.

WHY AREN'T YOU FOOD!?

 

4. The Gust Bellows

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My friends call me Little Mac because I have no edge game (and tiny genitals). Whenever the Gust Bellows is in play I kind of just feel gross. You know that feeling when you execute a precise combo where every hit has impact behind it? Getting a KO with the Gust Bellows is the opposite of that. Insubstantial. As immaterial as the wind itself. (Puts on beret, smokes whole pack of clove cigarettes, collects all that sweet poetry money). 

 

5. Three-Way Tie: Franklin Badge/Lightning/Screw Attack

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These items aren't "new" but now that all three exist together on a tiny 3DS screen, I have to get something off my chest:

There are too many lightning bolts shaped things held within circular halos. I'm sorry, I don't care if this makes me a pariah within the gaming media, I have to take a stand. Nintendo must take responsibility for this and issue an apology to me personally. Honestly, THREE items that are all lightning-bolt-circles? This is the real controversey, and I'm the only one brave enough to speak the truth. This is slightly inconvenient. YOU HEAR THAT, INDUSTRY BIGWIGS? IT'S SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENT!


What are you loving/hating about the game? Have you been playing for Fun or for Glory? Leave a comment below.