6. Games Are Actually Fair, Unlike My Step-Dad KEITH

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Halo has adjustable difficulty because it understands how to treat the player well, meanwhile my step-dad KEITH will UNFAIRLY ground me for coming home after curfew even though I was only late because Matt Friar's car wouldn't start, and I never would have to had to  ride with him if you'd let me get my LEARNER'S PERMIT, KEITH.

 

5. Games Have Satisfying Endings, But Keith and the Torment He Has Wrought on my Family Seems to go on Forever

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Wolfenstein: The New Order took me 12 hours to finish, you have been here 12 months and show NO SIGN OF ENDING. At least the Nazis in Wolfenstein pay for their sins, my Nazi Step-Dad Keith won't even PAY FOR HBO.

 

4. Video Games Aren't Having Loud Sex With My Mom

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When I'm playing CoD, other people threaten to screw my mother but at least they aren't ACTUALLY doing it, KEITH. It disgusts me to think about, but from the sound of it, she's just WAITING FOR YOU TO BE DONE. No one in this house loves you, KEITH, how does that feel?

 

3. Video Games Didn't Take Their Kids from Their First Marriage on a Month-Long Cruise to Cabo San Lucas While Leaving Me With Aunt Mary, Who Smells Like Cottage Cheese

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I'm old appreciate the adult themes of games such as Grand Theft Auto and Payday 2, KEITH, I think I'm old enough to not need a cheese-scented baby sitter. That's right, I don't even want to go on your stupid cruise. Any time without you around is VACATION ENOUGH.

 

2. I Don't Like How You Look at My Grandma KEITH

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Even the invasive glare of my Kinect pales in comparison to the evil, sex-offender eyes you give my Grandmother, KEITH. I don't think that it was an "accident" when you walked in on her taking a bubble bath, KEITH, that's her special time and you need to learn how to NOT INTERRUPT.

 

1. You Are an Alcoholic, KEITH

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I know where you keep the vodka, and that you've been lying to my Mom about being dry. If I can smell it on your breath so she as hell can too. Your days are numbered, ass hole. I'm calling it now: Quarter One, 2015 is the release day of your ass getting kicked to the CURB, with day one DLC flipping you off as we change the locks to the house, KEITH. Suck it.

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