Boomer = The Guy Who Drank Too Much

The faintest of belches resonating from down the hall are the first indication that a Boomer is near and he's about to blow. Use his heavy footsteps to identify him as quickly as possible and get out of his way, because when he spews (and he will), the results can be devastating.


The Tank = The Cockblock

She's the only thing standing between your friends and a group of seemingly interested females. Unfortunately she drove and she's tired, so there's no way you're getting past her by yourself. Enlisting the help of several willing and able wingmen is the only way to render her overpowering snark ineffective.


Smoker = The Guy Who Keeps Roping You Into Conversations

Maybe you had a class together freshman year, or share a mutual acquaintance, or simply high fived tonight over anything pre-1999 and post 1991. Whatever the reason, the Smoker thinks every time you're in his field of vision is an invitation to reminisce about your shitty professor or what Jeremy's been up to or just how sick Legend's Of the Hidden Temple was.


Hunter = The Guy Who Wants To Fight

While some people see a party as a chance to get together with friends and have fun, The hunter sees it as an MMA prizefight in a basement. Who the Hunter picks is completely at random, so all you can do is stay alert, be prepared, and completely forget about having any sort of fun tonight.


The Jockey = The Friend Who Doesn't Know Anyone

You were adamant in explaining that he wouldn't know a single person there, but you were obligated to at least invite him, and unfortunately he said yes. Your only opportunity for a few fleeting moments of privacy is when you have to piss, so use them wisely. And don't think for a second that peeing outside will deter him from staying with drooling distance, because he has zero problems with watching you urinate.


The Spitter = The Guy Who Hits On Every Girl

Every female within shouting distance can expect a relentless amount of game spit in their direction. Want to identify a potential spitter before he can strike? It's simple, look at his hat: if it's positioned anywhere on his but the normal way, chances are you've got a live one. Loitering in his presence can only do bad things for your general well-being, so be sure to get out of his range quickly as possible. Ironically, the only girls who seem to willingly fall for it are already dead inside.


Witch = The Roommate Who Didn't Want to Throw a Party

Her nursing exam is on Monday, but she won't let the fact that it's only Friday stop her from feeling inconvenienced by everyone's good time. She's in her room right now and just waiting for someone to bother her. Don't be that person. Just walk a safe distance around her and don't make too much noise, and if you're carrying a flashlight, turn it off immediately.

Though to be fair you probably shouldn't be carrying a flashlight.