2. Galactus loses fight with Thanos, turns into Elvis Presley

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Back when he had a fully-powered Infinity Gauntlet (coming eventually, someday to a theater near you!), even Galactus was no match for a souped-up Thanos. Though in the official comic Galactus was merely beaten and imprisoned by Thanos, a "What If?" story doomed the big purple god to an even hunkier fate: Being reincarnated on earth as a mortal that looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Elvis Presley.

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Confused and without any memories, Galactus is taken in by one of those incredibly attractive, poverty-stricken waitresses that make up half the voting bloc in most rural counties. Together they discover that this new stranger is a dead-ringer for a dead man. As he recovers and explores his identity, Galactus-Elvis struggles to live with a baleful, bottomless hunger that no amount of peanut butter and banana sandwiches can sate. Whether this is a result of being 50% planet-eating deity and 50% Galactus no one can say --  but more importantly it gives us one of the best images on any page ever printed, as Elvis purrs: "Ma'am, the hunger gnaws."

Just after the un-dead King is discovered by the general public, superhero Adam Warlock shows up with his newly-won Infinity Gauntlet and restores Galactus' memory. Given the choice between returning to reign over a universe with a defunct space program or being a big fish in the stagnant pond that is the music industry, Galactus decides on the latter. It ends on something of a happy note, if you don't count the inevitable bloated corpse slumped over a toilet.

Though he was responsible for Galactus' terrible fate, Thanos might have had it worse...

 

1. Thanos steps out of his Thanoscopter to push over a kid, gets cuffed by NYPD

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If you go by the Marvel movies, it might seem like all Thanos does is sit around in his chair and and fail at stealing Infinity Stones. But besides cultivating blood clots in his femoral arteries, he has a lot of other hobbies, like painting his own name on the side of a canary-yellow helicopter. Technically Thanos can't fly on his own, so you can't blame the guy for wanting to cruise in style while wrestling over weapons of unlimited power. In the case above, Thanos is battling Hellcat over the Cosmic Cube -- which some fun-hating buzzkill named the Tesseract in the Avengers movie -- when the thing falls into Central Park.

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Though he could have easily atomized both the kid and his Burger King crown, Thanos is such an irredeemable dickmunch that he thought it better that the tyke should live with the knowledge that he could be knocked over by any passing Power Rangers villain at any time. This is the sort of arrogance that always bites Thanos in the ass. Even when Spider-Man joins the fray, Thanos is so confident that he creates an earthquake under his own feet. Of course, without the benefit of the airborne Thanoscopter, the quake knocks him on his cosmic fart machine and he loses the cube yet again.

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In the end, one of the biggest threats the galaxy has ever faced is no match for a pair of $20 handcuffs. You can just imagine Thanos' shame as New York's finest shove him into the back of their squad car: While the cops yammer about their fantasy football teams on the way to the station, Thanos gazes longingly out the window, wondering how a being once known as the Mad Titan could possibly be detained by two guys who got their Criminology degrees at a community college. On the other hand, being in the backseat meant Thanos gets to do what he does best: Sit around and do nothing of consequence.

 


 

Tristan Cooper will never be defeated by the likes of you! But please follow him on Twitter.