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Other heroes have had some humiliating exploits in their time, but nothing beats out Spider-Man's streak of bad luck. That's part of what makes Peter Parker so relatable and endearing -- when the star is getting his life shit on at every turn, we're more invested in seeing him finally succeed. Pile on the crap too high, though, and Spidey stops coming off as the lovable screw-up and more like a full-on nimrod. Because it's exceedingly difficult to make dick jokes while celebrating a hero's greatest triumph, we've chosen to instead assemble a list of Spider-Man's biggest goofs.

 

5. The Spider-Mobile

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Batman gets away with having so many vehicles because he doesn't have any powers, and because he has an entire internet full of disciples ready to dismantle any argument against him. Yet Spider-Man has incredible mobility built-in -- the only reason he would need a car is if he wanted something to hang his truck nuts on. But Marvel had several reasons, and they rhymed with "dash," "honey" and, uh, " mossover cherchandise." So smack dab in the middle of a classic 1970s run (we're talking the issue right after the first appearance of The Punisher), the Spider-Mobile rolled onto the scene after Peter finally succumbed to the allure of rent money in the form of celebrity endorsement. He and the Human Torch built it together with a lot of elbow grease and regular high-fives, and by the time it was finished the red and blue buggy was equipped with web shooters, an ejector seat and a camouflage mode -- it could do everything a spider could, up to and including dangling right in front of your face until you almost walk into it and then freak out and stub your toe on the bedpost.

Though the Spider-Mobile came and went in one issue, it turned back up a few times over the years, presumably whenever a warehouse unearthed another cache of unsold toy cars. The buggy got so uppity that it even gained a mind of its own and tried to kill its former master:

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G-List villain The Tinkerer, last seen getting his elderly spine shattered in Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, dug up the Spider-Mobile and used his mechanical prowess to flip the Good/Evil switch. Along with newfound bloodlust, the buggy had some other new features like the ability to dampen Spidey's powers. It was a lot like the Stephen King flick Christine, only the car could drive up walls and looked a lot more hilarious when it murdered somebody. The Spider-Mobile has been the abdomen of jokes for years, but it should be commended for one thing in particular...

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...making it possible for an aging Wolverine and a blind Hawkeye to race away from a Venom T-Rex, otherwise known as the strongest case for comic books as art.

 

4. Peter Parker's parents are alive, also robots

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Though saying they have "stories" is being generous, the new Spider-Man movies vaguely suggest their attempt to capitalize on the mystery of Peter's deceased mom and pop. In the 90s comics, Peter's parents actually came back for a while -- their excuse is literally that they were in a secret Russian prison for a couple of decades but came back healthy and well-adjusted. Peter sees no problem with this, and everything is hunky-dory for almost two years before Aunt May hires a private detective to stake out these life model creepazoids. When he finds out about her investigation, Peter thanks his Aunt for years of raising him alone by assuming she's losing her mind and muttering something about Sally Field under his breath. Of course, May's auntie-sense was right to tingle, because Peter's "parents" were part of a long-con by supervillain and Voldemort cosplayer The Chameleon:

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As it turns out, Ma and Pa Parker were robots with pom-pom shoulder pads all along, designed specifically to be lifelike enough to... find out Spider-Man's true identity. See, the Chameleon's master plan was to get to Spider-Man by making robot parents of Peter Parker, who he just assumed was just a good buddy of the famous superhero and not at all the actual person he was trying to track down. It's such a complicated and ridiculous way to find out something so obvious, like breaking out the fingerprint kit to find out who pooped in the kitty litter box. What's worse, Spidey was so willing to shun his only real family in favor of impostors that he revealed his true identity to his fake mom and dad. Why, if his roboparents hadn't conveniently died the next issue, something of lasting consequence could have happened in a monthly comic book starring a character that never ages!