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As a lifelong Nintendo fan I am shocked and disappointed by the recent reveal that Samus Aran's already sexualized Zero Suit costume in Smash Bros. 4 was going to have an alternate outfit that was even more revealing. The Internet exploded as fans angrily debate what this communicates to the audience about the value of female characters. One side claims that this demeans and objectifies Samus' previous portrayal as an independent bounty hunter, while others claim that Samus was always a "sexy" character and her Zero Suit form is just as valid a representation as any other. But I have to agree with the critics, if there's any chance that Nintendo can remove or alter this costume before the release date, it is imperative that they do so. Keep reading and find out why:

 

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Do you know how difficult a Metroid game is to beat when you're a kid? It requires sharp reflexes, spatial reasoning, and abstract puzzle solving skills that are not fully developed for the average 11 year-old. When Super Metroid was first released in America I would sit in the den, copy of Nintendo Power in my lap, and try to get through the game as quickly as possible, oftentimes failing miserably. Sometimes I would escape Zebes, triumphantly awaiting my reward only to see the "ok" ending because I didn't make the time limit. That, dear reader is what's wrong with the new design in Smash Bros...

Samus Aran's hot sexy bod is an honor you earn through effort and dedication, not given freely on the character select screen!   

 

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Think about it, Nintendo found a way to show you boobs on devices that your parents gave you SPECIFICALLY because they thought you couldn't see boobs with it. You think I wanted to get carsick in the back of a minivan trying to 100% Metroid Fusion in under two hours? Constantly twisting my body to find a position where my GBA's screen could catch enough light to see what's happening? No. Nor was I even remotely engaged with the tense horror atmosphere as Samus has to avoid confrontation with the parasitic SA-X, subverting previous games' missle-slinging action. What I was shooting for was a pixelated drawing of a tight butt from space.

 

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To add insult to injury, Sakurai went ahead and made her EVEN SEXIER. Added a few inches to the bust, hemmed in the torso for a more striking hip-to-waist ratio, gave her some high-heeled shoes and he even took the Zero Suit itself and turned it into blue bodypaint. All this without asking anybody to bring up gamefaqs on their dial-up modem after they heard a rumor that you can play as her in a bikini in Zero Mission if you find a secret room.

 

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Thankfully there is a solution. One that can be implemented easily and will placate both sides of this micro-controversy. 

Reprogram the game so only one person on earth can unlock the Zero Suit at any given time. This privilege will be granted to whoever wins the annual Smash Bros Invitational Tournament.

It's the ideal solution, Zero Suit Samus returns to her rightful place in the the Nintendo pantheon as "anachronistic reward for people who are exceptionally good at videogames". Go ahead and make her buck naked. After all, the only people who get to see her will be the best players in the entire world (and a few million people watching on twitch). I guarantee that this will bring Smash Bros rocketing to the forefront to the e-sports community as well. You're welcome, Nintendo. This is the resolution you've been looking for, make out the check to "JUSTIN BAILEY".