In terms of morals, Captain America is essentially Marvel's Superman. Steve Rogers will do anything in his fight to stand for truth, justice and the right to 128-oz Big Gulps of orange Mountain Dew. Dude's so squeaky-clean you could eat off of his washboard abs. That said, he's not infallible. Like any good superhero, Cap has had some fantastic highs and some truly laughable lows. Since making fun of someone helps us feel better about ourselves, we decided to focus on the latter. For your convenience, we've compiled a list of the original Super Soldier's most embarrassing moments and placed them right under this sentence.
5. Doughboy, Just in General
Jack Kirby did a lot for Marvel, including introducing Captain America as a Hitler-punching badass back in 1941. As the godfather of modern superheroes, you're pretty much guaranteed some leeway. Still, the King of Comics should have known better than Doughboy, who is exactly what he sounds like: A man made of a sticky, gelatinous material not unlike the yoga mat chemicals they put in Subway sandwiches. There's not even an excuse for the name, as Pillsbury had pretty much locked it down with their pokable mascot over a decade earlier.
Though he's basically just unbaked goods with a face, in one story Doughboy was somehow able to absorb two of the Avenger's most powerful heroes keep them stuck inside his mass. He then plunged into a lake, because you die faster if you're being double-suffocated by dough and water.
At least Thor's got his shit together. What if Cap was alone, drowning in yeast and lake water? That would be the way he died. The guy who clocked Hitler in his shitty mustache holder, the guy who lived after being frozen for years, the guy who stood up to Thanos -- defeated by a blob who loves putting superheroes inside of him. It could be said that Doughboy is the weirdest of all of Cap's villains, but Poppin' Fresh here was created by Arnim Zola, who's basically just Krang with a living TV in his stomach instead of a talking brain. Things were a lot simpler when Captain America was just punching Nazis.
4. Cap Accidentally Does Drugs, Makes Chicken Noises
In the late 80s and early 90s, America's War on Drugs was at its fear-induced zenith. Sure, it gave us Robocop shooting the shit out of a cocaine factory, but it also gave us dopey comics like "Streets of Poison." In the story arc, Captain America wakes up one day and realizes that he's been blind to the perils of drugs. Up to that point, he apparently never watched the news or that very special episode of Charles in Charge.
Instead of asking Tony Stark to set up a rehab center supplemented by Reed Richards' groundbreaking treatment program, Cap decides to go blow up a meth lab. But not just any meth lab! This one was making a special kind of Super-Meth, which of course bonds to Cap's Super-Soldier blood. Soon enough Steve is high as shit without even knowing it, and the rush has him cruising for his next fix of bruisings.
They say there are only seven types of stories you can tell, but Marvel might've invented a new one with their "Meth-Addled Demigod in Star-Spangled Uniform Squawking Like a Chicken to Intimidate His Enemies." Imagine if this were the plot to Captain America 3. Now, Chris Evans is a decent Cap, but even he couldn't do this material justice. We'd need someone bold, someone insane and fearless enough to imitate livestock while wearing the red, white and blue. Someone who's obviously not afraid of being mercilessly ridiculed. Someone with no shame.
We need Nicolas Cage.
3. Captain America is Reborn Thanks to HGH
Speaking of drugs and the 90s, Marvel's Heroes Reborn initiative gave Cap the muscles our baseball idols could only dream of. This unnecessary reboot not only gave Steve Rogers the body shape of Hulk's thigh, but it replaced the A on his forehead with an eagle emblem. You know, just in case the flag uniform, stars on his chest/shield, wings on his helmet and the capital A for AMERICA on his face were too subtle. You can thank artist and internet punching bag Rob Liefield for that.
Look, Rob's probably not a bad guy. Nobody's accusing him of spitting on fans or canceling Firefly, but the dude's grip on human anatomy is tenuous at best. Putting aside the cartoony mega-muscles and his fabled fear of drawing feet, check out Cap up there. Spines and pelvises usually don't repel each other like magnets. It's like Liefield wanted to make sure Cap's back-star was visible, but also didn't want to illustrate a gratuitous man-ass shot. And so, a male butt hungry nation had to wait until Game of Thrones to truly quench their gluteal thirst.