You know The Purge? It's that movie that was supposed to be about the horrific and bizarre situations that would arise when all crime was deemed legal for 12 hours and the total anarchy that would take over, but ended up being a crummy Ethan Hawke movie that mostly ignored its extremely cool premise. Now there's another Purge movie out - one that actually shows us the terrifying outside world beyond Ethan Hawke's house during a Purge. And watching the film, you have to wonder: if the Purge was real, could I survive it?
Well, just in case the Purge ever DOES become real, here are some tips to get you ready for 12 hours of lawless chaos!
1. Eat a balanced breakfast
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day - especially for days when all laws are null and void and murder is legalized! You'll need a lot of energy to take care of yourself and your loved ones throughout the day, so best get every day started on the right foot.
2. Get lots of exercise
Let's face it - those in better physical condition are going to fare A LOT better than the slower, weaker, fatter ones in our population. You may find it necessary to run, to jump, and even to fight when the lawless day of The Purge comes - so get your pump on!
3. Develop a healthy work-life balance
There's only thing more deadly than marauding gangs of murderers who will face no legal consequences for their horrific actions - stress. That's why you need to have a healthy balance between work and the rest of your life. Make sure you spend lots of time with your friends and family, relaxing and appreciating the little things.
4. Establish yourself as a psychotic violent presence in your neighborhood, someone not to be trifled with, and who is feared by all
Beat someone within an inch of their life in a public setting. Then threaten everyone that "the same or worse" will happen to them and/or their loved ones if they snitch to the cops. You may think this would put a big target on your back come Purge day, but the opposite is true: people will grow to fear and avoid you, knowing you possess the killer instinct that many others do not.
In essence, live like every day is Purge day.
5. Maintain your lawn
You don't want to give your neighbors any excuses for wanting to knock you off! Always keep a nice lawn - mown often, watered plenty, and seeded frequently. If property values stay up, so might your chances of surviving a night of horrors unlike any seen before!
6. Plant landmines around your property, string up barbed wire on all fences, dump piles of broken glass and nails everywhere, and hire armed snipers to fire at anyone who comes within 100 yards of your home
You need to keep your home safe - and what better way to keep things safe than dangerous things that can do grievous physical harm everywhere? No one's gonna come knocking on your door when they're certain to die in the process! SELL YOUR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SOMEWHERE ELSE, LAUREN!
7. Be active in your community
Participate in town council meetings, support the local theatre, volunteer at charitable events, and plant landmines literally all over town under the guise of "landscaping."
8. Fake your own death by removing all of your teeth, burning down your home, and leaving some nameless corpse you stole from the morgue behind. The dental records will identify you as the charred corpse. Then you flee to a remote part of Canada, where you keep a small cabin and live out the rest of your life in total isolation. NO ONE WILL TRY TO KILL YOU IF YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! IT'S THE PERFECT PLAN!
Or, alternatively, get a new lock for your doors. Can't ever be too careful!