Which games shout "AMERICA!!!" more than any others? It seems like a difficult question - then you remember that you're American, so you don't have to let things like "thinking" get in the way of you taking care of business. You can just make snap decisions based on whatever subjective "evidence" you decide on and no one's allowed to question you EVER.

That being said, we took a lot of time to whittle the list down to these 8. Now we have an objectively-ranked, fair list of the most inarguably "AMERICA!!!" games ever.


8. Fugitive Hunter

Someone threw together an incredibly quick, sloppy, terrible game (that weirdly mixes FPS mechanics with fighting game portions) just to get to a point where you have a fist fight with Osama bin Laden. It's an obvious cash-in, trying to appeal to the weirdos out there who would actually get a thrill at the idea of playing a terrible game where you GET IN A FIST FIGHT WITH AN ACTUAL TERRORIST LEADER. It's an ugly awful game that tries to profit off the deaths of thousands. Then again, you saying "You're pretty tough" to Osama bin Laden, in the middle of a fist fight, like you're genuinely impressed by his punching skills is just insane enough to work.

But mostly, it's just the audacity of the whole thing. It doesn't care who's offended by it or who finds it distasteful. It doesn't care about criticism or sloppy execution - all it cares about is its rah-rah jingoistic patriotism. It's amazing they didn't make the main character a bald eagle.

American-ness Level: Zero Out of Ten Dark Thirty


7. Oregon Trail


There's something beautifully simple about Oregon Trail - you're a scrappy common American settler. You're not a great leader or a soldier or anyone of any consequence. You're just some random American person who thinks traveling a couple thousand miles to an unknown territory with a bunch of strangers is a good idea. You hop into a wagon led by a nutjob (you), who's more concerned with how many bullets they have than the well-being of anyone in the wagon. It's really just a real dumb idea, from start to finish. But it's pleasant, with lots of little bits and pieces about the Ol' West and hunting buffalo with impunity and trying to ford 30 ft. deep rivers.

You don't really know what you're doing, you're mostly along for the ride, and bullets are constantly being shot. Welcome to America.

American-ness Level: You Have America-Fever! Also Dysentery.



6. Operation: Secret Storm

The plot is about as thinly-veiled a reference as they come in early 90s videogames: you're pretty much George H.W. Bush, invading Iraq to murder Saddam Hussein. It was the ultimate American power fantasy - the president PERSONALLY murdering the dictator of the foreign nation that was givin' him grief. It's sort of similar to Fugitive Hunter, but less exploiting of a national tragedy and more "so insane and stupid it's impossible to be offended by."

Also, this is pretty much THE EXACT PLOT of Hot Shots!: Part Deux - except without the self-aware sense of irony. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I hope the movie was inspired by this game.

American-ness Level: Using a Chicken As An Arrow


5. Patriotic Pinball

The best part of Patriotic Pinball (released in 2003 for the PSone) is how seriously it takes itself - one of the game modes is called "America On Duty", and informs you that you need to help the US armed forces in land, air, and sea. IN A PINBALL GAME.

Yes, what better way to help serve your country than trivialize the service of those in the armed forces with a console pinball game.

American-ness Level: Write-In Candidate "Sonic Spinball" For President


4. America: The Game

It's mostly a mediocre Age of Empires rip-off, but c'mon - it's called AMERICA: THE GAME.

Also - mediocrity, an unwillingness to honestly and sincerely confront our deeply troubling past treatment of Native Americans, and stealing ideas from others? Truly, this game has earned its title.

American-ness Level: America - The Level

Note: Called 'America: No Peace Beyond the Line in Europe


3. Bad Dudes


From that immortal day when the president told the Secret Service they could have Summer Fridays, there was only ever one option to rescue the commander-in-chief from ninjas: BAD (ENOUGH) DUDES. Dudes with juuuust enough badness to qualify for president rescuing. It's the ultimate American dream, boiled down to its essence: only a couple of rude fellas who don't play by the rules are able to save "President Ronnie" when all seems lost. And as a reward? Eating hamburgers with the president.

It's so American, it hurts.


American-ness Level: Are You a Patriotic Enough Dude To Kiss A Bald Eagle?


2. Metal Wolf Chaos

Metal Wolf Chaos is maybe the weirdest game in existence - and one of the most American, too.

Except for the minor thing that it was never actually released in America.

The game - about the deposed President of the United States of America (a title he repeats, frequently) using an enormous mechsuit to liberate the country from his villainous Vice President - was only released in Japan for the original Xbox, because it was SO American that the Founding Fathers might rise from the dead if a copy ever touched US soil. Also, what's more American than Japan besting us technologically?

Oh, also the President you play as is a relative of Woodrow Wilson. The only way this game could possibly be any more American is if there was an insanely aggressive quote, boasting about our superior arsenal....like, say, "SUCK MY MISSILE PUNCH."

Oh wait.

American-ness Level: High-Fiving George Washington So Hard Both Our Hands Explode Like Glorious Fireworks



1. Duke Nukem Forever


It's bloated, crass, and incomprehensible. It wasted ungodly amounts of money, lacks any sense of self-awareness, is dripping with trying-too-hard macho-ness, and expects everyone to love it, even though everyone pretty much hates it. In other words...


American-ness Level: You Are Literally Transforming Into a Flag