BREAKING: HARRISON FORD'S LEG!

Haha, that's a joke headline, but for real: Harrison Ford broke his leg, and it could delay his participation in shooting for up to 6 months. This wouldn't be the biggest deal in the world (they can always shoot scenes he's not in), except for the fact that apparently Han Solo is the lead role in Star Wars: Episode VII. The rumor is that the release could be delayed into 2016.

That being said - we want Star Wars, and we want it ASAP. So what can be done to get around this seemingly impossible hurdle? Here are 5 suggestions we think might just do the trick.

 

1. Lots of Han Sitting

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Keep in mind Han Solo's most famous and badass sequence ever was just him casually sitting at a table, barely moving at all. Before George Lucas changed things around, Han Solo was all about sitting still and murdering people before they had the chance to take a shot at him.

With Star Wars VII: Revenge of the Sit, Han Solo could always be sitting - and various villains keep sitting across from him, only to be unexpectedly shot before they have the chance to pull their weapon. It would serve as both a mea culpa to the infamous cries of "HAN DID THE SHOOTING STUFF BEFORE GREEDO!" (or whatever the phrase is) and an homage to the character's most defining moment.

 

2. Have Han Solo Have a Younger Counterpart Who Can Do All of the Action-y Stuff

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Remember Indiana Jones and the Crystal Aliens Or Whatever That Bullshit Was (the last Indiana Jones movie)? If not, good - you blocked it from your memory and we don't want to disturb the very sensible repression your psyche is engaging in.

If you do though, you'll remember Indy had a kid, Shia LaJones, who did all the big crazy action stuff that Indiana used to do. While Indy still did a few jumps and light jogs, it was Shia who had to do all the real nutty stuff.

Simply introduce Han Solo's kid in this one who's along for the ride - Shia LaSolo. Shia LaSolo can do it all - run, jump, get shot repeatedly, get punched, get kicked, get yelled at for being a shitty actor, etc. All while Han rests comfortably piloting the Millenium Falcon (or, more likely, napping).

 

3. All CGI-Harrison Ford

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If the REAL Harrison Ford can't handle all the big action sequences, let's just have a computerized version of him doing all the hard stuff. Remember how great that young CGI version of Jeff Bridges looked in Tron LegaOH GOD I JUST REMEMBERED HOW TERRIFYING THAT WAS STOP DO NOT DO THAT STOP STOP STOP

 

4. For the Love of God, Do Not Make This Movie Star Harrison Ford

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1970s/1980s Harrison Ford is the best. Charismatic, fun, and one of the most energetic actors around. 2000s-and-beyond Harrison Ford is a grumpy old man with no life left in him, who doesn't even look back very fondly on his Star Wars days. The odds of him recapturing that Han Solo magic are slim to nil. Besides, the reason he was able to be that ol' lovable rogue was because he didn't have to deal with being the central character. Making fun, quirky side characters the main character is never a good idea (see: Jurassic Park - The Lost World), but it's an even worse idea when you have the guy age 30+ years.

Just let a new generation take over - it'd be great to have Han, Leia, and Jedi Master Luke (preferably with a dignified Jedi-Beard) as side characters to help usher in a new generation, but don't make a bunch of old people the focus purely to play on our collective nostalgia. It's the same issue that plagued the prequels - it was too caught up looking towards the past instead of exploring new, uncharted territory with new characters and situations. Discovering the unknown is a huge part of what made this franchise resonate with audiences. Bring that back.

 

5. Muppet Version of Harrison Ford

I mean, Star Wars is kinda famous for its use of puppetry, right?

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All we're saying is...this isn't the worst idea yet.