1. We're Not Annoyed to See Stannis Baratheon For Once!
Whether it is Stannis Baratheon's conveniently well-timed attack or a boy with a bow and arrow, there's always somebody saving Jon Snow.
Thanks to Stannis, Jon Snow lives to brood another day.
Although Mance Rayder surrenders to Stannis, he gets in a good insult when he quips, "You're not dressed for this weather."
THAT'S COLD. What's next, Mance? You gonna call out Stannis's receding hairline?
Oh, Mance, you know how to have fun.
2. Cersei is all out of fucks to give
Cersei informs her father about her relationship with Jaime. Then, she celebrates with a big slice of twincest.
Part of me wants to applaude Cersei's carefree attitude, but everything about this is gross.
3. Daenerys learns you can't have it all
Can a queen have it all? Can she raise dragons and run a just and fair monarchy? It doesn't seem like it.
The dragons' misbehaving forces Daenerys to lock up her babies in the catacombs.
Daenerys is like one of those moms who makes her kid wear a leash. Maybe she should watch How to Train Your Dragon 2.
4. Bran hears some great news!
Bran fights and crawls his way to the Three-Eyed Raven.
The Three-Eyed Raven tells Bran that he's never gonna walk again, but he's sure gonna fly!
If I were Bran, I would have clarified if the Three-Eyed Raven meant he would figuratively or literally fly. Fly as in travel really fast? Or fly as in have wings and soar on the wind? There's a big difference.
5. Brienne and the Hound Have the Bloodiest Fight of All Time
Brienne and Arya did not get to bond over girl power for very long before the Hound and Brienne fought a very bloody and unsanitary fight.
HBO included a lot of blood spray. And crotch injuries. Too many crotch injuries.
Also, pro tip for medieval warriors: avoid cliffs when sword-fighting! It doesn't end well.
6. The Hound and Arya share their last ideological conversation
Arya does not mercy kill the Hound as he asks her to. Instead, she leaves him to bleed to death.
Perhaps it was revenge for his cruelty towards her. Or perhaps she was tired of his misogynistic leanings.
Arya doesn't have time to educate you on your problematic use of the word "bitch" or your demeaning treatment of women. Have fun dying slowly and painfully.
7. No Lannister Has Ever Had a Normal Sexual Relationship
While escaping from prison, Tyrion discovers Shae in his father's bed. He even hears her refer to Tywin as her "lion," which was her nickname for Tyrion!
This is so messed up! This is worse than watching Cersei seduce Jaime!
8. "I'm Sorry."
Only Tyrion can make strangling your ex-girlfriend sympathetic.
9. Apparently there are no guards anywhere in the royal chambers at night.
Because political assassinations are not an issue anyone has to worry about in King's Landing!
10. There was singing to the theme song!
A picture can't capture this exciting development. At the end of the episode, there were voices singing along to the instrumental theme song. Were the voices singing words? Were they just humming along? What does this mean for Westeros? What a cliffhanger!