Honest E3 Wishlist

1. Awkward Executive Who's Clearly Uncomfortable in Front of Crowds Wearing a Dress Shirt With the Top Button Undone

See - he's so casual and approachable! No tie or anything! He's not some stuffy, out-of-touch millionaire executive who's only concerned with the bottom line and holds zero value on creativity and innovation. Nah, definitely not.

He is, however, sweating profusely and reading his lines completely monotone and is slowing having the dawning realization that he is the absolute last person in the world who should be here right now.

2. Stuttering, Unsure Applause From Audience

via Cletus_TheFetus

"Is it time to clap now? Was that the reveal? Should I be smacking the palms of my hands together in appreciation of being crammed into a marketing event?"

3. Pre-Rendered Trailer In No Way Indicative of What Actual Gameplay Will Look Like

Oh, you thought trailers were for the GAMES? No no no, game trailers are previews of what the commercials will look like.

4. Technical Errors and Glitches During Demos Galore

"I swear that Gun Shooter VII: Reguntion was working totally fine when I demanded it be rushed to a playable demo even thought the dev team said that it would be impossible to guarantee any level of quality given the timeframe."

5. Revolutionary Use of Viscerally-Meaningless Buzzwords

"Dynamic. Game-changing. Social integration. Dubstep remix of Gangnam Style." - guy who has no idea what he's saying (or how sentences work)

6. Promise of a New Feature That Sounds Way Too Good To Be True Because It Absolutely Is

"Every. Videogame. Ever. Streaming. To. Your. Dog. At. 60 FPS.

Fall 2014"

-same guy (he might be having a stroke or something?)

7. Incredible, Out of Left Field Trailer For an Incredible, Innovative New Game That No One Was Aware Of and That Will Inevitably Be Delayed A Year After the Promised Release Date

"Good thing we premiered Explos-Fun Quest XIII: Hellpisser at E3 2014 - the positive buzz we generated from this will totally pay off when we release in 2017."

8. Half the Conference Being Dedicated to Social and Non-Gaming Features That Absolutely No One Who Watches E3 Live Will Care About

"Ah, so the only people watching this live right now are insanely-hardcore gamers, only interested in new games? This is the perfect time to announce Netflix functionality for another device. Also your dog." -yeah okay that guy is definitely having a stroke, someone call an ambulance

9. Someone Saying or Doing Something Sorta Stupid That Will Spawn a Flood of Unfunny Memes That Will Completely Consume the Internet For a Few Days, Then Disappear Forever

OUTTA THE WAY, I GOTTA BE THE FIRST ONE TO SET UP A FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR MIYAMOTO'S SLIGHTLY UNEVEN MUSTACHE.

10. The Horrible Realization That We've Been Anxiously Waiting on the Edge of Our Seats For Socially-Inept 40-Something Dudes To Present COMMERCIALS To Us (That We Know After Years of Experience Are Mostly Bullshit) As If We're Watching the Fucking Moon Landing or Something

"I love commercials and being lied to!" -everyone excited about E3