3. Superman shoots a sex tape

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This is why Batman has a kryptonite ring. From Mongul to Poison Ivy, it seems like anyone who wants to mind-control Superman never has a problem doing so. His brain is so pliable that he can even be manipulated by D-listers like Sleez, a villain concocted specifically to be even more humiliating than those face-sucking cosmic starfish.

Usually villains want to use Superman for his power, but Sleez wanted him for his sweet marketing potential. The big red "S" is probably plastered over all the bumpers and lunchboxes in Metropolis already, so what else is there?

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Why, hardcore pornography of course! In an age before the internet could pirate Superman porn faster than a speeding bullet, a lurid sex tape featuring a mind-controlled Man of Steel would knock The Little Mermaid VHS right off the charts. His co-star is the similarly-hypnotized Big Barda, chosen probably because she's got a superhero husband in Mr. Miracle who would definitely not come looking for his missing wife.

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In the end, Superman is saved by a glorified escapist whose real name is Scott Free. Sleez didn't get much more than a heavy makeout session from his stars, so the Razzie awards will have to wait for another year. Really, nobody's a winner here.

 

2. SuperSanta solves the world's problems with a giant gun

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Elseworlds stories were meant to shed a different light on DC superheroes, answering important questions like "What if The Flash took the bullet for JFK?" or "What if Batman fought Jack the Ripper in the late 19th Century?" However, some questions just don't need answering, like "What if Superman grew a big white beard and it was the apocalypse and he fought twin clones of Adolf Hitler with a comically huge machine gun?"

Superman: At Earth's End is what happens.

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As if that wasn't weird enough, the heart of the comic seems to focus on whether guns are a force for good or evil. A weakened Superman was pondering just how he could defeat an army of SS soldiers when he found an unholy quadruple gatling gun just hanging out in a deserted Batcave. Before you can say "the ends justify the means," SuperSanta is tearing up those Nazi bastards.

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The senior Man of Steel dies from a combination of blood loss and shame as scrappy but good-natured youths look on. One kid throws away his firearm, deciding that the message here was that guns are bad and in no way just saved the world from the Nazi menace. That's public schools for you.

 

1. Superman accidentally murders a pregnant Lois Lane

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The video game Injustice: Gods Among Us had a ridiculous plot, but it sort of had to; since it's a fighting game, you need a reason for good guys like Green Lantern and Wonder Woman to kick the shit out of each other. In this case, the story involves familiar heroes finding another universe where a dictator Superman rules with an iron fist. Cue evil twin battles.

Whereas the video game is mostly about righting wrongs with fisticuffs and finishing moves, the Injustice comic goes back and explores just how everything in that second universe got so fucked up. It all started with Superman's battle with Doomsday.

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Wanting to prevent the inevitable city-wide destruction that would be caused by a full-scale battle (hear that, Zack Snyder?), Superman takes the battle with Doomsday into orbit. Of course, Supes doesn't realize that he's being mind-controlled yet again, this time via a kryptonite/Scarecrow fear toxin cocktail courtesy of The Joker. When Superman figures out who he's really been pummelling this whole time, his face drops like he just spilled the entire pot of mac and cheese:

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As you can see, in this alternate universe, Superman liked it and then proceeded to put a ring on it. He was just telling Batman that he and Lois were expecting a little Superboy or Supergirl when the shit went down. Not only did Lois die, but her heartbeat was tethered to a bomb that nuked Metropolis. Superman subsequently goes nanners, murders The Joker, declares himself God King of Earth and sets up the events of the video game. Some might be tempted to call this a "war crime," but in the world of comic books, it's just embarrassing.