Batman has a lot of embarrassing skeletons in his closet (not counting his dead parents), but his pal Superman's history is just as checkered with ludicrous and improbable situations. The Dark Knight is going to need all the ammo he can get if he's going to face off with The Man of Steel in a big-budget movie, so we've done some of his grunt work for him. Here's some of the dirt we expect will be leaked to the Daily Globe by an anonymous tipster named "Bruce W":

 

5. Lois Lane turns Superman into a baby, forces him into underage marriage

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Starting in the late 1950s, Lois Lane finally got her own comic. Unfortunately for any little girls hoping to read about their favorite ace reporter, "Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane" was less often about a plucky heroine's exciting adventures and more to do with her psychotic obsession with the Man of Steel. Every other issue revolved around Lois Lane's latest dastardly plan to trick Superman into marriage. Such was the case in issue 42, when Lois snaps a pic of Clark Kent changing into his red and blue pajamas. When she gets in a fender-bender on the way to develop the film, something in her mind snaps:

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Note the subtle physical cues that indicate Lois' spontaneous transformation from "human person" to  "ruthless female." Her eyebrows have gained a villainous arch, and the Cruella-esque back hunch she has while driving shows how determined she is to see her dastardly plot through. The stereotypical portrayal of the conniving bitch is cartoonish even for something drawn in a comic  book. This Lois Lane story is no longer for girls, or anyone else beyond bitter woman-hating divorcees.

Superman sees through Lois' plan and, never passing up the chance to be a dick, plants some de-aging perfume where he knows a misogynistic writer will make Lois pick it up and use it.

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By the time Lois' forced marriage was about to go through, the rejuvenation spray made her look like a teenager. The wedding officiator wouldn't go through with the ceremony, either because Lois looked underage or he's one of those racist curmudgeons dead set against interspecies marriage. Furious, Lois sprays Superman with the same rejuvenation spray, and soon they're both babies and on the way to the altar.

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So they'll be normal tomorrow, when they could have a wedding that doesn't involve rolling the bride and groom down the aisle in strollers. But hey fuck it, everyone's here and they already paid the caterer, so let's legally bind these infants in wedlock. Despite the fact that the magic youth serum changed Lois into a baby with a fully-formed adult mind and everyone is willing to go ahead with the ceremony, the only thing that brings her down is... a temporary speech impediment.

Immediately afterwards, Lois is treated for her car crash-induced brain injury, turning back from a "ruthless female" to just your average comic book woman whose only purpose in life is to pine for a man she can't have. All's well that ends well.

 

4. Superman goes on a 3,000 mile stroll, dunks on youths in a basketball game

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In the story arc "Grounded," Superman gets a little mopey and decides to walk across America, instead of using his unbelievable abilities to prevent galaxy-wide catastrophes. Lots of people give him shit along the way for focusing on the small-scale, ground-level stuff best left to the police, the neighborhood watch and if they get really desperate, Aquaman. But he still keeps marching, insisting that he needs to get back to his roots, no matter how many lives he sacrifices in the process.

Even without great responsibility, all that great power has to go somewhere. What better outlet than a rousing game of hoops with some mortal teens?

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Edgy Purple Backward Cap's swagger is admirable, but let's be real: Shit-talking Superman is like bragging about your girlfriend to George Clooney. Recognizing his slight advantage, Supes agrees to a loose No Shenanigans rule, and then proceeds to instantly break his word and absolutely wreck some chumps:

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After his second rout, he even lets another kid think he blocked his shot. Instead of taking out Darkseid before he destroys the universe, Superman just wanted to plod across America, take out a few drug dealers, give abusive parents a stern talking-to and briefly pretend he'll play fair in a basketball game. "Grounded" didn't prove that Superman was close to the common man -- only that he pitied them.