1. The Sandbagger

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Lakitu floats in front of you - a former enemy, now humble servant - dangling the traffic light that signals you to go. But as everyone else hits accelerate at just the right time to get that early boost, you hold back - there's a few items boxes early on in the course, and you're gonna get something good. Maybe lightning. Maybe a blue shell. Whatever it is, you'll have a strong weapon by your side when you use your unexpected driving skills to get back into the front of the pack. While all the other top racers are stuck with green shells and single banana peels, you're rolling with some weapons of mass destruction. You never bring a knife to a gun fight...or a single banana peel, for that matter.

 

2. The Power Slider

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Remember The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? You're like that - the shitty one everyone hates. Also, something with drifting helping you win literally every race. How are you able to slide the ENTIRE race? How are you DOING that? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK - THIS IS A STRAIGHTAWAY!

 

3. The Kevin McCallister

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In the hands of most, a single banana peel isn't too deadly. They toss it away at a moments notice to make room for something better (aka anything) - but not you. You see that bridge at the end of DK Mountain and you know a banana peel is exactly the thing you need. Placed oh-so-carefully, it's barely visible but unavoidable - then you do the same with fake item boxes (placed within the following row of item boxes so it blends in) and green shells (perfectly shot so that they bounce back and forth between the same two spots on a wall superfast, making it almost impossible to get past). And since the rest of us are your own personal Joe Pescis and Daniel Sterns, you are going to be the most hated person in the room.

 

4. The Short-Cutter

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Has anyone seen how long Rainbow Road is? Multiple laps around this course would take FOREVER - luckily, you're a daredevil on a tight schedule, and there's a jump you can make that - if timed juuuust right - will cut the length of the track in half. Sure, there are obvious shortcuts everyone knows (no one's gonna be impressed on Koopa Troopa Beach), but you've got all the secret paths figured out - Wario Stadium, Coconut Mall, Maple Treeway, etc. Everyone will hate you and call you a cheater - but you're the one with that virtual first place trophy.

 

5. The Second Placer

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You've been down this road before (both metaphorically and literally) - you're in 1st place, but then once you have some momentum going, you get hit with a blue shell and, like, 5 racers zip past you. Suddenly you're struggling to place 6th. If you'd only held back juuuuuust a bit and stayed in 2nd, someone else would have been in 1st and taken the hit and YOU would have won. So that's your plan - stay in a steady 2nd. Even if no blue shell comes around, you still have a respectable finish. A silver medal's a lot better than a participation ribbon and the friendships broken by a blue shell.

 

6. The Last Lap F*ck-up

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You're solid the whole way through - you're dodging obstacles, hitting some boosts, and keeping ahead of the pack. Then comes the last lap and you just completely fall apart...and into lava, probably. You suddenly miss turns you'd already done twice, you run off course, miss jumps, and generally become a total fuckup under the pressure. It's not the blue shells or the lightning - you're your own blue shell.

 

7. The Troll King

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You motherfucker. You're driving in the wrong direction, collecting as many super power-ups as you can, just fucking with people. Setting as many bananas as you can in one area to make it totally impassable for everyone. Using lightning at juuuust the right time to make sure the rest of the racers all can't make a specific jump. Some princesses just want to watch the world burn...

 

8. The Person Who's Actually Having Fun

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Oh man, Mario Kart is so much fun, right? Can't believe I got third that last race - HEY, WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING AT EACH OTHER?!