The cast of the new Star Wars film (tentatively titled 'Episode VII') has just been announced - but, irritatingly, the characters they would be playing was NOT announced. Classic JJ Abrams strategy of withholding information as long as possible - luckily, we've done some research and have a pretty good idea of what characters each actor will be portraying.
Likely Cast As: The Only Black Guy In A Universe Where There Are More Jawas Than Non-Caucasian Humans
Likely Cast As: Underserved Female Character To Be Paraded About In a Skimpy Outfit At Some Point
Likely Cast As: A Jedi With a Beard
Likely Cast As: Quirky-Looking Guy Who Will Turn To The Dark Side (Since He Can't Grow a Beard)
Likely Cast As: Character Who Fans Will Rally Around For an Oscar Nomination That Will Never Happen, Despite Being The Most Breathtaking, Realistic CGI Creature Ever Committed To Film (Jar Jar Bink's son, Doug "Dougie" Binks)
Likely Cast As: Jedi Master Weasley
Likely Cast As: An old guy
Likely Cast As: A Grumpy Old Shell of His Former Charismatic, Energetic Self, Collecting a Damn Fine Paycheck
Likely Cast As: Genuine, Sweet Woman Haunted By the Knowledge That Literally Hundreds of Millions of Nerds Have Jerked Off To Her Over the Past 30 Years
Likely Cast As: Luke Skywalker, Who Keeps Saying He's Not a Sith Even Though He Looks Exactly Like Emperor Palpatine Now
Likely Cast As: Professional C-3PO Cosplayer
Likely Cast As: Guy Who's Reclaiming His Title as "The Sweatiest Man in Showbiz"
Likely Cast As: Guy Who's Constantly Going To Be Saying "Wait, I seriously have to get in this thing still? Can't we control it by remote control? Or use CGI? I'm 79, please don't make me do this."