Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

The cast of the new Star Wars film (tentatively titled 'Episode VII') has just been announced - but, irritatingly, the characters they would be playing was NOT announced. Classic JJ Abrams strategy of withholding information as long as possible - luckily, we've done some research and have a pretty good idea of what characters each actor will be portraying.

 

John Boyega

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: The Only Black Guy In A Universe Where There Are More Jawas Than Non-Caucasian Humans

 


Daisy Ridley

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Underserved Female Character To Be Paraded About In a Skimpy Outfit At Some Point

 


Oscar Isaac

  Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: A Jedi With a Beard

 

 

Adam Driver

  Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Quirky-Looking Guy Who Will Turn To The Dark Side (Since He Can't Grow a Beard)

 


Andy Serkis

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Character Who Fans Will Rally Around For an Oscar Nomination That Will Never Happen, Despite Being The Most Breathtaking, Realistic CGI Creature Ever Committed To Film (Jar Jar Bink's son, Doug "Dougie" Binks)

 


Domhnall Gleeson

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Jedi Master Weasley

 


Max von Sydow

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: An old guy

 


Harrison Ford

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: A Grumpy Old Shell of His Former Charismatic, Energetic Self, Collecting a Damn Fine Paycheck

 


Carrie Fisher

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Genuine, Sweet Woman Haunted By the Knowledge That Literally Hundreds of Millions of Nerds Have Jerked Off To Her Over the Past 30 Years

 


Mark Hamill

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Luke Skywalker, Who Keeps Saying He's Not a Sith Even Though He Looks Exactly Like Emperor Palpatine Now

 


Anthony Daniels

  Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Professional C-3PO Cosplayer

 


Peter Mayhew

  Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

Likely Cast As: Guy Who's Reclaiming His Title as "The Sweatiest Man in Showbiz"

 


Kenny Baker

Star Wars: Episode VII Cast Announced

 Likely Cast As: Guy Who's Constantly Going To Be Saying "Wait, I seriously have to get in this thing still? Can't we control it by remote control? Or use CGI? I'm 79, please don't make me do this."