We're seeing more Marvel movie sequels every year, partly because there's no shortage of material to pull from. Captain America: The Winter Soldier and X-Men: Days of Future Past share more with their respective comics than just their names -- these specific stories were selected for adaptation because they'd look great on the big screen and they had already proven they could work on the page. That, and everyone's afraid some hack writers will pull something out of their ass and we'll end up with another Catwoman shitshow.
Still, there are some comic book storylines that could never, should never be brought to life with millions of dollars in special effects and CGI. We've compiled a list of these aberrations below:
5. Captain America Wolfs Out
Steve Rogers beats out even Superman when it comes to defending truth, justice and the American way. Being the Captain of America pretty much means you outrank the President, so there are some pretty big expectations to live up to. Given his station, Cap going all Team Jacob and becoming a werewolf was generally frowned upon.
To be fair, werewolves rarely choose to carry their curse, and such was the case with Captain America; he was unwillingly injected with wolf juice along with several others. See if you can tell which one of the werewolves below is also a superhero! Hint: It's the dickweed wearing bright spandex and a giant "A" on his forehead.
Following brawls with Wolverine and later Cable, Cap leads a bunch of werewolves to defeat the magical Starwolf and later an evil clone of himself. If that sounds sort of rad, that's because it is, but in a ridiculous way that only works in comics. Putting this to the screen would be a disaster of Howard the Duck proportions. If nothing else, Cap's post-mortem Robb Stark cosplay would be in really poor taste.
4. The Punisher Becomes An African-American
That dumbstruck dude you see gazing into a mirror is Frank Castle, The Punisher, shocked at his post-surgery transformation. What was once your run-of-the-mill angry white dude was now the same angry dude, but black! It started following a prison break, when The Punisher asked a doctor to make his face unrecognizable. Lovable junkie that she was, the surgeon stitched in a bizarre storyline that uses blackface as a plot device -- at no extra cost!
So even though he's in no danger whatsoever of being mistaken for The Punisher, Frank decides to get the hell out of Dodge and drive 19 straight hours to Chicago. Right when he enters the city limits, Frank's pulled over and immediately assaulted by a mob of mega-racist cops:
Luke Cage, another superhero -- who, coincidentally, is an actual black man -- steps in and saves The Punisher's ass, and the two go on to have a good ol'-fashioned team-up. Not-so-coincidentally, Cage had a new comic, from the same writer, release shortly after this arc (in bookstores now!).
This was obviously an attempt at social commentary, and misplaced as it was, nobody really cares about the taboos of stupid comics from 1992. A big-budget movie version would be another matter, though. Robert Downey Jr. somehow pulled off some great satire in Tropic Thunder, but imagine if Iron Man used blackface to disguise himself as War Machine. Actually nevermind, no one should ever have to imagine that.
3. Iron Man's Suit Comes Alive, Falls In Love With Tony Stark
Pepper Potts has always sort of been the Moneypenny to Tony Stark's James Bond, but let's face it: Iron Man's true love is himself. The Iron Man movies are enjoyed the world over in part because it's so fun watching Robert Downey Jr. adore his own reflection. More than a few comics have played up Stark's narcissistic side, but none of them got as freaky as this.
That threatening robot above is one of Iron Man's suits brought to life with a combination of lightning and the Y2K bug because we live in a world where this is a true sentence. As you can probably guess with any story involving a new artificial intelligence, the living Iron Man suit seems nice enough at first before going batshit SkyNet crazy. But the difference between a Terminator and a living Iron Man suit is that the T-100 doesn't want a man inside it.
See, at the same time that Tony was falling for a lady, the thinking, feeling suit was falling for Tony -- and it didn't like the competition. After smacking his human around, the Iron Man suit saw that Tony was having a coronary and had a change of heart. The suit expressed this by literally ripping its robot heart out of its own chest and using it to save Tony's life, sacrificing itself in the process. Somehow, it's hard to see Robert Downey Jr. signing on for an Iron Man 4 with this mess of a plot synopsis.
2. Spider-Man Kills Mary Jane With Radioactive Sperm
Ever since the epic Dark Knight Returns, we've gotten tons of stories with old and crotchety versions of superheroes. Today's heroes have been young forever, so it's natural to be curious about how they'd fare after Father Time gives them love handles and a strange urge to watch televised golf. Superheroes usually already have a weakness, so it's all the more exciting when you throw the looming threat of incontinence into the mix.
Typically these stories work in grim and terrible futures, which is why it worked so well for guys like Batman, Wolverine and The Punisher. Life shits on Peter Parker all the time, but he's rarely as grim and gritty as the aforementioned brooders. That's why something like this is so out of place in a comic about a retired Spider-Man:
Let's break down what's happening here. Mary Jane's long-rotting corpse has been dug up by Doc Ock, who is actually dead except his tentacles are still alive (chalk up another one for the Y2K bug). Peter is either hallucinating or yelling aloud his guilt about the way he killed his wife with his radioactive "love fluids."But hey, these "love fluids" could be saliva, right?
Something about "laying a thousand eggs of cancer" leaves little in the way of ambiguity -- Peter Parker's radioactive semen gave Mary Jane terminal cancer. You can bank on Tobey Maguire starring in the movie adaptation right after accepting a role in Pleasantville II: The Pleasantening.
1. She-Thing Ruins Everything Forever
Female versions of male superheroes are crazy common, but they're almost always lame. For every respectable She-Hulk, Spider-Woman or Batgirl there are a dozen laughable She-Venoms. For the most part these Rule 63 characters are boring and predictable, but when they're bad, Jiminy Christmas.
Enter: She-Thing. Previously known as Sharon Ventura (and Ms. Marvel for a time), she was blasted with those same pesky cosmic rays that mutated the Fantastic Four. Horrified at the discovery of her newly-rockin' bod, Sharon became suicidal and jumped off a cliff. The writers let her live, specifically so you would have to live the rest of your life with the memory of seeing this image:
That's vanilla Thing, extra-mutated by that second blast of cosmic rays, groping and making out with She-Thing on the sturdiest couch known to man. This scene brings up so many questions that no one ever wanted to ask. How do they kiss? Like, just grinding their lips together? There's an alternate future where these two have kids together -- ignoring the mind-boggling logistics of P in V, what's breastfeeding like in that situation? Does She-Thing even have nipples? How long until Google unbans me for typing in that phrase?