The Secret Origin of the Gchat Turd Emoji

  1. Davison

    Johnson, buddy, how's it goin' on?

  2. Johnson

    Wonderful, sir, I'm just implement final adjustments to the artificial intelligence on the cancer research robo-

  3. Davison

     Right, great. Listen, we're scrapping that and moving on to a more pressing assignment: the turd emoji in G-chat.

  4. Johnson

     Sir?

  5. Davison

     I'm talking about turds, Johnson. Butt nugs. Talking about sailing the brown ship.

  6. Johnson

     I, uh. I'm not sure I understand. You want me to draw a turd?

  7. Davison

     No-

  8. Johnson

     Haha, ok, good-

  9. Davison

     -I want you to animate a turd.

  10. Johnson

     Oh. Ok. Just, uh, just want to double check that you're serious here.

  11. Davison

     Johnson. I have never been more serious in my life. Tell me: How many turds have you dropped on company time? Well, now it's time to drop a turd for your company.

  12. Johnson

     Wow, uh, ok. Well, were you thinking something like this? [draws a turd]

  13. Davison

     Hmm, yeah. I love it, but here's what I don't love. It's a bit lumpy, kind of a log shape, like a human turd log? I'm thinking more, uh, how would you say? A pile. Like, imagine the platonic ideal of a turd. The every-turd. A turd for all seasons. A fat stack that someone could look at at say, "that's my pile!"

  14. Johnson

     Uh, more like this? [draws a soft-serve ice cream swirl pile of a turd]

  15. Davison

     Yeah, yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Up top, Johnson! [goes for a high five, Johnson high fives back and makes an unsatisfying connection] Now, can we make it stinkier?

  16. Johnson

     Stinkier?

  17. Davison

     Yeah, stinkier.

  18. Johnson

     Sir, it's... a picture.

  19. Davison

     Don't condescend me, Johnson, I know what a picture us. Our stockholders expect Google to be market leaders, and I'll be damned if we aren't going to make our turds stinky!

  20. Johnson

     Sorry, sir. Yes, stinkier.

  21. Davison

     Let's really sell that stink. Get some flies in there. Flies love a good turd. Right? [waits for a response} Right?

  22. Johnson

     Flies, sir?

  23. Davison

     Yes, FLIES. We've got Microsoft and Apple breathing down our necks, waiting for us to misstep! I hear Sony already has an animated fart with stink lines! STINK LINES! We aren't going to half ass this turd, because tell me, Johnson, can you shit out of half an ass??

  24. Johnson

     Um, no sir. I guess I can add flies. [animates in flies]

  25. Davison

     Haha! Yeah! I can smell it on the screen. [sniffs] It smells like digital conversations getting taken to the next level. It smells like an era of communication, free from the bonds of words. This isn't just a beautiful turd, Johnson... it's an important turd.

  26. Johnson

     Totally. So, are we done here?

  27. Davison

     Yeah, no. Another thing. Can you make it pile up? Like it's coming out of an anus, right there in front of you?

  28. Johnson

     Hppphhhhhh. Yeah. Ok. Let's do this. [animates turd piling up]

  29. Davison

     Great. That's great. Fresh. Look at it buckle under the weight of each log. That's what I like about you, Johnson. You have a vision, and then you just reach out there and take it.

  30. (slaps Johnson on the back a little too hard)
  31. Johnson

     Okay, uh, last thing, how do people type this thing?

  32. Davison

     Easy! Tilde, "at" sign, tilde.

  33. Johnson

     Tilde, at sign, tilde?

  34. Davison

     Yeah! Looks like two hands spreading cheeks.

  35. (Johnson closes his eyes, sighs deeply)
  36. Johnson

     Enough, sir. I've had all I can take, I refuse to work on this turd of an idea any longer! We here at Google have the important job of heralding in the future, making relevant, important, life-changing technologies available to to the whole planet. We aim to empower people in a way that they've never been empowered before! You told me 500 people applied for my job, because you were looking for "the elite of the elite in the design world." And you're having me draw turds?! Do you know how that makes me feel?! t makes me feel...! I feel..! Ugh, god! I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel! I wish there was a word that--

  37. Davison

     ...tilde, at, tilde?

  38. (Johnson freezes, as his lip quivers, tears begin to fill his eyes. Tears of understanding. Tears of joy.)
  39. Johnson

     Oh god... Sir. Yes. I am so sorry I ever doubted you.

  40. Davison

     No need to apologize, Johnson. Now, let's get started on that "pissing in the shower" emoji.

The Secret Origin of the Gchat Turd Emoji