Johnson, buddy, how's it goin' on?
Wonderful, sir, I'm just implement final adjustments to the artificial intelligence on the cancer research robo-
Right, great. Listen, we're scrapping that and moving on to a more pressing assignment: the turd emoji in G-chat.
I'm talking about turds, Johnson. Butt nugs. Talking about sailing the brown ship.
I, uh. I'm not sure I understand. You want me to draw a turd?
Haha, ok, good-
-I want you to animate a turd.
Oh. Ok. Just, uh, just want to double check that you're serious here.
Johnson. I have never been more serious in my life. Tell me: How many turds have you dropped on company time? Well, now it's time to drop a turd for your company.
Wow, uh, ok. Well, were you thinking something like this? [draws a turd]
Hmm, yeah. I love it, but here's what I don't love. It's a bit lumpy, kind of a log shape, like a human turd log? I'm thinking more, uh, how would you say? A pile. Like, imagine the platonic ideal of a turd. The every-turd. A turd for all seasons. A fat stack that someone could look at at say, "that's my pile!"
Uh, more like this? [draws a soft-serve ice cream swirl pile of a turd]
Yeah, yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Up top, Johnson! [goes for a high five, Johnson high fives back and makes an unsatisfying connection] Now, can we make it stinkier?
Sir, it's... a picture.
Don't condescend me, Johnson, I know what a picture us. Our stockholders expect Google to be market leaders, and I'll be damned if we aren't going to make our turds stinky!
Sorry, sir. Yes, stinkier.
Let's really sell that stink. Get some flies in there. Flies love a good turd. Right? [waits for a response} Right?
Yes, FLIES. We've got Microsoft and Apple breathing down our necks, waiting for us to misstep! I hear Sony already has an animated fart with stink lines! STINK LINES! We aren't going to half ass this turd, because tell me, Johnson, can you shit out of half an ass??
Um, no sir. I guess I can add flies. [animates in flies]
Haha! Yeah! I can smell it on the screen. [sniffs] It smells like digital conversations getting taken to the next level. It smells like an era of communication, free from the bonds of words. This isn't just a beautiful turd, Johnson... it's an important turd.
Totally. So, are we done here?
Yeah, no. Another thing. Can you make it pile up? Like it's coming out of an anus, right there in front of you?
Hppphhhhhh. Yeah. Ok. Let's do this. [animates turd piling up]
Great. That's great. Fresh. Look at it buckle under the weight of each log. That's what I like about you, Johnson. You have a vision, and then you just reach out there and take it.
Okay, uh, last thing, how do people type this thing?
Easy! Tilde, "at" sign, tilde.
Tilde, at sign, tilde?
Yeah! Looks like two hands spreading cheeks.
Enough, sir. I've had all I can take, I refuse to work on this turd of an idea any longer! We here at Google have the important job of heralding in the future, making relevant, important, life-changing technologies available to to the whole planet. We aim to empower people in a way that they've never been empowered before! You told me 500 people applied for my job, because you were looking for "the elite of the elite in the design world." And you're having me draw turds?! Do you know how that makes me feel?! t makes me feel...! I feel..! Ugh, god! I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel! I wish there was a word that--
...tilde, at, tilde?
Oh god... Sir. Yes. I am so sorry I ever doubted you.
No need to apologize, Johnson. Now, let's get started on that "pissing in the shower" emoji.