"Jojen silently crept over to Bran and knelt down beside him. "Your bath is ready Lord Stark." He whispered in his ear, putting his lips against its shell. He felt Bran shiver has [sic] his hot breath caressed his face, eyes drifting to look at Jojen. Bran needed to be carried to the bath and Jojen was more than happy to oblige."
Just because Bran Stark has been paralyzed from the waist down it doesn't mean he can't enjoy some sexy times with Jojen Reed. Er, wait, actually it does. But don't tell that to the author of Bathing, who's eager to weave the tale of a cripple and a crazy guy who lives in the woods exploring the magic and wonder of puberty together.
Dialogue like "I want to fuck you in to this pelt" makes reading about two underage boys having awkward cripple sex every bit as uncomfortable as you'd think it would be. Look, we're no prudes, but we're pretty sure that a kid who couldn't get it up even if he wanted to is unlikely to fall in love with an asocial psychic kid whose only human relationship is with his sister. That's the setup for a Deliverance or Psycho-esque plot twist, not a timeless romance.
7. Cheap Beer Can Work Wonders
"Damnit Stark pull yourself together. I know his arms are perfect but you need to chug this nasty ass beer faster than him and it's not gonna happen if your oogling over his legs in those perfectly tight... worn jeans... that make his butt look oh so..."
"ARYA WHAT THE FUCK! CHUG!"
In the most uncomfortably named story this side of Lolita, Cheap Beer Can Work Wonders (even just saying it makes you sound like a sex offender) ditches the fantasy setting and its countless political intricacies to throw the Stark kids and their pals into a drunken teenage party. Finally, it's the Game of Superbad Thrones story the fans have long demanded.
If you guessed from the title that this is mostly an excuse to get a bunch of characters drunk and in bed together, you're spot on. Arya, Gendry, Jon, Ygritte, Ned, Renly (all of whom are inexplicably the same age) play flip cup and king's cup as they get drunk on PBR and cheap vodka, which may actually be a behind the scenes look at what filming the TV show was like. Everyone still calls each other "ser" and "milady," just like the hip young kids do at today's parties. Then they all have sex, just like at all the parties thrown by hip young kids that we never got invited to.
8. The Long Night
"Fire!" Davos announces, leaning forward to push the button. The left hand of Dragonstone turns into their special weapon, basically a blowtorch that is so searing hot that it can cut right through the flesh of the kaiju. Both Davos and Stannis scream as one as they push forward, shoving their fiery hand into the gut of the kaiju and turning up the heat as high as possible.
A Game of Thrones is set in a gritty, realistic fantasy world. Naturally, the first franchise you'd think to crossover with it is Pacific Rim, a movie where giant robots and monsters punch each other and logic into submission.
Ned, Robert, Jamie, Cersei, Stannis and many other characters put aside their differences and their personalities to go to giant robot fighting school. All of their robots are named after castles that don't exist in this world, and they spend more time arguing with each other than they do punching monsters in the face. You could rename every character Steve and they'd show off about as much of theirGame of Thrones personality as they do here, which seems to defeat the entire purpose of putting beloved characters in a brand new setting. Although maybe that's just meant to emulate Pacific Rim's character development.
9. Game of Thrones meets 50 Shades
"Daenerys Stormborn squirmed on the kitchen stool as Kahl Drogo, CEO of one of the most prestigious and wealthy companies in the USA fetches her a glass of wine. He's utterly gorgeous to look at. His charming demeanor has already swept her of [sic] her feet, and his amazing ability to make her gasp at his piloting skills just left his speechless..."
Yup, that's right. It's a fanfiction that crosses over with a story based on fanfiction. We're through the looking glass, people.
Daenerys is a timid college student while Khal Drogo is the absurdly rich CEO of Dothraki Holdings, which of course completely matches their personalities in Game of Thrones. Drogo is an inexplicably popular fanfiction character, because even though he was a murdering and pillaging rapist he looked good with his shirt off, and so it all kind of averages out.
So enjoy the thrills of witnessing two of Thrones' most beloved characters negotiate sex contracts, bicker constantly and flirt with all the nuance of registered sex offenders. And then, of course, they make love, which is about as erotic as reading divorce papers. Sadly, we never get into the specifics of how Dothraki Holdings makes its money (weapons manufacturing? Mongol horde themed gay pornography?) and Dany's dragons never come into play. Which is probably for the best, because there's almost certainly a story out there where she has sex with them.
10. Game of Thrones: The House of Wayne
"Jamie clapped mockingly. "Impressive, for a masked freak. Now, shall we see who is truly the most infamous man in the Seven Kingdoms? The Kingslayer, breaker of vows? Or the Batman, outlawed vigilante that defies an armada?""
Yes, it's the Wayne you're thinking of. The House of Wayne dedicates over a quarter of a million words to cramming everyone's favourite orphaned billionaire into the Game of Thrones world. And if you're wondering how Batman works in Westeros, the answer is exactly the same way he works everywhere else. Bruce Wayne just runs around in a bat themed suit of armour saving women from thugs while the rest of the Game of Thrones world carries on as usual, and it's as awesomely dumb as it sounds.
Several other Batman characters make an appearance, but it's the Joker who's far and away the most ridiculous. The Joker works as a character because he brings chaos to an ordered world--drop him in Game of Thrones and he'd get half a dozen crossbow bolts to the face the first time he looks sideways at someone. Yet he somehow manages to start a three-sided war for the castle city of Gotham between himself, Batman and Tywin Lannister. And you know what? We actually kind of hope that's the big plot twist in the final book.