It's no surprise that a franchise as popular as Game of Thrones (or A Song of Ice and Fire, if you're part of the superior book reading breed) has generated its fair share of fanfiction. What may surprise you is just how... creative some fans are. Amidst the countless stories where Daenerys flies her dragons to Westeros, kills all the bad guys and has awesome sex with Robb Stark are tales that will make you question if you were even watching the same TV show as the writer. So if you need some new reading material and don't like having a firm grasp on your sanity, check out...
"So when that little prick had ordered him to take care of another person that night, Sandor had been furious...
...Because Joffrey had sent him to take care of a singer."
Sansa Stark and Sandor Clegane are a common fanfic pairing, because there's nothing more beautiful than the love between a young teenage girl and a violent, alcoholic, emotionally (and physically!) scarred sociopath. The Bodyguard takes their love a ridiculous step further by moving the characters to a modern setting, where Sansa is a pop star and Oscar nominee who's engaged to be married to presidential candidate Joffrey, in what has to be the worst democracy ever. But Sansa slowly falls in love with Joffrey's bodyguard, Sandor, and they eventually consummate their love after surviving a terrorist attack lead by Arya. It's the perfect story for Thrones fans who also wish that they could masturbate to House of Cards. Oh, and good luck watching any more Sansa or Sandor scenes without getting a Whitney Houston song stuck in your head.
"[Arya's] heart was racing, galloping so hard that she was sure he must hear it. Her took her chin in his two fingers, and raised her lips to his. At that moment he ceased to be Lord [Tywin] Lannister. He released her hand and pulled her to him, like marble melting as he kissed her."
As weird as the Sansa/Sandor (or SanSan, to use the vernacular) pairing is, you can at least understand the logic behind it. A traumatised girl in a dangerous situation going through the emotionally tumultuous time of puberty clings to the only man who's shown her kindness. Unhealthy, but believable.
The same can't be said for the love story in To Protect and Serve, which finds Arya Stark falling for Tywin Lannister. Tywin, the man who's several decades older than her and is indirectly responsible for the death of several of her family members. Keep that in mind as they fall in love, get married, and have sex right after Arya is seriously injured in an assassination attempt. That's, like, superpedophilia. Also, why is assassination plot survival sex a recurring fanfiction theme? There's probably a story out there where the bullet only grazes JFK and he immediately starts making out with the First Lady.
"With a sudden, violent tremor, Sansa reentered her body to find it arched in pleasure, her maidenhood twitching and shivering as her flesh tingled to the warmth of her first orgasm. Amid the dizzying confusion of her emotions, Sansa was horrified to find herself mid howl."
Yes, the title is a pun. Poor Sansa Stark again finds herself in the middle of an erotic adventure, this time with the theme of warging. To refresh your memory, wargs are people who can inhabit the bodies of animals, either at whim or in their dreams. But that's not how Sansa wargs. Oh no. As you may have guessed, Sansa is transported to the body of a wolf when she achieves orgasm, which is a refreshing plot twist for furries and a baffling one for everyone else. It would be laughable if the story didn't also feature Joffrey's sadistic sensibilities, but if you get off to animal transformation with a side of domestic abuse and prostitute murdering then this is the story for you! Give it a read, then never tell us what you thought of it.
"Without warning Ramsay held the wooden penis with firmly with the spike facing [Theon] and stabbed the masterpiece into his old spot where [Theon's] real penis used to be."
One of the more criticized plots of the third season of Game of Thrones was Ramsay Bolton's torture of Theon Greyjoy, which seemed to drag on and on without any real purpose. Painful Affection addresses this plot point by revealing that the true purpose of Ramsay's torture was... love.
Yes, it turns out that this violent psychopath and deeply scarred torture victim have eyes only for each other (although in Theon's case, being attached to a torture device severely limits the size of his dating pool). Ramsay even surgically attaches a giant wooden penis to Theon to replace the one he cut off, because nothing says "romantic gesture" like "I'm sorry I cut off your genitals, please have this non-functioning replacement." The pair then cuddle and make out, marking the start of a beautiful romance that you'll never forget, despite your best alcohol induced efforts.
"The High Septon stepped forward yet again. "Your grace, the gods would never condone separating Ser Jamie, a brave warrior who has served the realm with much devotion, from the maiden he has admired from afar. He is released from his vows to the Kingsguard, so that he may marry Lady Sansa."
The Eyes See True is an awkwardly named love story between Sansa and Jamie Lannister, but that's not what's remarkable about it. What makes it stand out is that, at over 427,000 words, it's longer than any single one of the actual novels. And it's not even finished yet! The author's only been working on the story since September 2012, which is impressive considering it took George R.R. Martin six years to write A Dance with Dragons. But then Dance is actually good, while Eyes is chapter after chapter of tedium and fanwank. Keep that in mind the next time you're tempted to complain that Martin takes too long to write, or else The Winds of Winter will be retitled The Winds of Minor Romantic Disputes.