GIF of the Day
The 10 Types of Rollercoaster Tycoon Players
January 22, 2014
It's not enough for you to be a Rollercoaster Tycoon - you want to be a Rollercoaster Artist. You want to make brilliant rides that provide all of the thrills and daring design elements that you find lacking in real life rollercoasters. Who cares if literally every guest says that your rollercoasters look too intense for them? The cowards at Six Flags have nothing on your latest vomit-inducing masterpiece.
I know what you're thinking - an unfinished rollercoaster? Yikes! Well, fear not - the coaster will shoot you up right to the tippy-top, and then you'll come roaring back, like an on-rails pendulum! Should be quite the thrill....unless a certain tycoon were to "accidentally" increase the launch speed to 90mph, that is. Oops! What an unfortunate accident. Oh well, anyone else want to try out "The George R.R. Martin Coaster"?
No need for "rollered-coasters" or any of those other complicated, expensive types of rides here - nothing but pre-built attractions, hedge mazes, and paddle boats for this park! Imagine how much we'll save on vomit cleanup alone! And with that money, we can add in some things that'll REALLY bring the customers in: some badass gardens and HELLA benches.
Welcome! Everyone welcome! The park is free, the food is free, the drinks are free! Oh, where's the bathroom? There's a few of them right over there - just $20 apiece! What's that, you say? Too expensive? Well, I'm afraid that's simply what the market dictates! You want to leave, you say? Well, I'm afraid the only way back to the entrance is by taking the monorail. That will also be $20.
If that doesn't work for you, I have a very tiny island in the back of the park where you can wander around in circles for years.
Guest 3791, how's it goin'? Wow, you have gone on a lot of rides so far, haven't you? That's swell - oh, you're eating at the burger shop. Great, great. And now you're eating the burger! Classic Guest 3791. And now you're...walking aimlessly in circles a little. That's cool - you paid to get in, you can do whatever you want! Hey, you should check out the new coaster I made, The Fecal Extractor, you'll love..."too intense for you"? Wow, dude. I thought I knew you. I can forgive you complaining about how filthy this park is, but I won't have you shying away from this incredible experienced I designed JUST FOR YOU. I'm gonna keep picking you up and putting you back in line until you get the message.
Ohhhhh, so that's how it's gonna be, is it? "Wahhhh, I don't like the long lines!" "I'm a bigshot so I'll just litter wherever I want!" "Boo hoo, my child died on that ride!" You know where you can take your complaints? To the bottom of Ungrateful Guest Pond! Pardon the enormous floating pincers grabbing you and dumping you in the water.
Under my watch, these fair creatures shall never go extinct...or, at least, there will always be mascots of them twirling about, vaguely entertaining the guests, and serving virtually no actual purpose at my terribly understaffed park!
Anyways, check out my DeviantArt page sometime. 18 and over only, fellas. I do things with Kung Fu Panda fan art that DreamWorks clearly wouldn't want exposed to children.
All these guests are meatbags with cash - until I get through with them, that is. When they leave my park, they're leaving dead broke (assuming they leave at all). If it rains in my park, umbrella price quadruples instantly. I charge juuuust enough for the bathrooms so that no one raises a stink. I'm always maximizing the prices of rides. I hire one janitor to clean the entire park - and drag him around from vomit puddle to vomit puddle using my god-like floating pincers. And I am NOT about to waste my hard-earned dollars on frivolities like "trash cans" or "benches" or "basic safety precautions."
You have lost your goddamn mind. You've turned this park into a nightmare, filled with bizarre experiments and confounding design philosophy. The bank is getting REEEEAL nervous about your ability to ever pay back the loan. How did you get 400 guests trapped in a single square of pathway? Is that a queue line that's 5 miles long? What in the name of god is
Mr. Bones Wild Ride
and why would any ride take years to complete?!
Oh, you enjoyed Your Grandpa's Penis, did you? That's great, glad you're having fun. Whoa, Your Mom's Vibrator looks too intense for you? Hey, if you're not ready for that, maybe something a little slower would work better. Oh yeah, Cousin Fred's Genital Warts WAS great, wasn't it?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.