Well, it's finally here - the first true next gen console, the PlayStation 4:


I know what you're thinking - and yes, it is sleek as hell. Also, it isn't the PlayStation 4. The guy who sold me this on Craigslist was extremely misleading (both about this and the payment, which I was led to believe would just be $700, not $700 plus "a whole bunch of weird nude pics of me cradling a Sonic the Hedgehog plushie"), which left me in a bit of a predicament, since I had a deadline to get in this PlayStation 4 review (Sony would not send a review model because, according to their PR manager, I was persona non-grata there after I "sent them too many weird nude pics of me cradling a Sonic the Hedgehog plushie").

So, how do I review this potentially-incredible piece of hardware? Well, let's start off with what we know:

 

Console Review: The Playstation 4

The Name: Playstation 4

Grade: A

Following Playstation 3, it's an expected but solid name. Indicates this system will be 1 better than the last system. 1 better is a step in the right direction (especially compared to the Xbox One, which is taking 359 steps backward).

 

Console Review: The Playstation 4

The Design: It's, like, a slanty black rectangle.

Grade: B-

Black? Love it. Worked with the last gen, is gonna work great here too. Rectangle? Beautiful, one of the best shapes (fuck off, rhombus). Slanty? Not so sure. All of the other black non-slanty rectangles in my entertainment center are going to look a lot worse now that their lack of slantiness is being highlighted.

 

Console Review: The Playstation 4

The Price: $400

Grade: A-

400 is a lot of dollars - although not too many dollars. I wish it were a few less dollars, but this amount of dollars seems like a pretty good amount of dollars.

 

Console Review: The Playstation 4

Best Buy's Policy of Letting You Take Home Their Promotional Playstation 4 Kiosk: Non-existent.

Grade: F

Frankly, here's where this system really let me down. First off, some little 8 year old kid refused to stop playing Killzone after he died even when I asked him if I could play after he died. And the staff at Best Buy would not step in and correct this grave injustice, no matter how much I cried and stomped my feet.

This was a bad start, but then things got even worse: after the kid and his equally-rude mother (would not let me slap her child) left, the staff members at Best Buy said I could not take the Playstation 4 kiosk home with me to review (despite my promise that I would totally return it in like a month or two). But having security escort me out the building (and pat me down after the door alarm went off even though I only tried to sneak out with two 3DS games hidden in my cargo jean shorts) was the final nail in the coffin. It pains me to say this, but if you're going to get the system by trying to borrow the Best Buy kiosk, I simply cannot recommend this console.

 

Console Review: The Playstation 4

How Much I Wish Sony Would Just Send Me a Review Version of the Playstation 4: Sooooo much.

Grade: D-

Sony, do you really want to get on the bad side of Dorkly? We are the foremost trusted source for technology and entertainment reviews on the entire internet. As soon as Metacritic starts taking our reviews again (we're not in great standing there due to certain pictures I sent of me cradling an unidentified plushie to certain individuals there, unsolicited), you better watch out. Still, even from the court-mandated 50 feet away (the closest I can legally get to Best Buy now), it's clear that you've put out an impressive next gen system.

But seriously, what do you want from us? A bunch of obvious pull-quotes for your ads, where we use unnecessarily hyperbolic terms that you can use in commercials? Well, Sony, we're not going to do that. You know why? A little thing called 'journalistic integrity.' You should look it up.

 


 

Overall Grade(s):

  • "Outstanding..."

  • "Revolutionary..."

  • "Blows away the competition..."

  • "'Journalistic integrity' gets an F. PS4 gets 10 stars...out of 5 stars!"

  • "100/100 - Dorkly.com"

  • "You won't believe your eyes..."

  • "I'm leaving my wife and children and running off with this videogame console so that we can fully SHARE our love...like the button that's on the controllers now..."

  • "Please return those pictures I sent..."

  • "1000/1000 - Dorkly.com (again)"