One of the best parts about Batman is also his greatest weakness: he's only human, and therefore susceptible to looking as stupid and idiotic as the rest of us. Most people are all too familiar with his brush with bat-nipples and his shark-repellant phase. His deepest and darkest secrets, however, are buried deep within his comics origins. Below are five truly embarrassing moments from a man who is not afraid to wear underwear over his pants.
5. The Caped Crusader Croons Christmas Carols with Cops
Batman's true religion is justice, which never takes a holiday. But stalking the streets 365 days a year means that, at some point, tinsel and holly will briefly impede crime fighting before they are used as improvisational restraints following righteous beatings. Christmas typically brings Mr. Freeze or some gimmicky dickweed like Calendar Man out of the woodwork, going balls-out in hopes of destroying the pagan tradition turned-Christian holiday turned-annual Walmart sacrificial stampede ritual. In Batman #219, the GCPD somehow convinces the world's greatest detective to blow off his endless neighborhood watch and belt out a few ballads. They sing for a while, and for a brief moment Batman believes that Christmas is something else other than a reminder that his dead parents aren't getting him any presents. Just when the yuletide couldn't get any cheerier, our hero has a shocking realization...
Amidst the joy of singing songs about his own body odor, the disrepair of the Batmobile and Robin spontaneously producing an egg from his butthole, Batman completely spaced the "Joker got away" thing. As it turns out, Gotham was inspired by the power of Batman to cease committing crimes for an entire night. In one scene, a kid steals a bitchin' Batman action figure only to return it later because he decides that the real Batman would toss his delinquent ass in a Blackgate iso cell. So for a few hours, nobody was mugged, assaulted or murdered in Gotham City. And Santa brought Bruce Wayne another present that year -- willful ignorance of the plague of unreported violent crimes.
4. The 90s Break Batman
For Batman's 500th issue, DC knew that they had to go big. Bane had just broken Batman's back, and Bruce Wayne was out of commission. The cowl was passed not to Dick Grayson but to failed Power Ranger and future Hanson band member Jean-Paul Valley. J-P knew just what it took to beat Bane: pouches, Shredder armblades and pointy shoulder pads. The new batsuit used all the worst parts of the 90s, including those weird early years that were still sort of the 80s. After Bane's defeat at the hand of a VHS copy of Demolition Man, Bruce was quick to give Jean-Paul the boot, and Batman's most shameful uniform has rarely been seen since. Until...
That's right, the "Knightfall" costume is in Batman: Arkham Origins, utility garter belt and all. It's a Playstation exclusive, so self-hating Xbox fans who want every suit will just have to paste old issues of Spawn to the TV.
3. Kevin Smith Pisses All Over The Dark Knight
Batman: Year One is the Batman of Batman comics. A huge inspiration for Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, Frank Miller and David Mazzucchelli created the definitive Batman origin story in 1987 . In one of many highlights, Batman makes an explosive entrance into a dining hall full of bureaucrats and mobsters. Using just a few sentences, he warns the crowd of shriveling jowls that their dastardly rich asshole ways are over. It was sort of like an Occupy protest, with the distinction of something eventually getting accomplished.
Years later, Clerks and Chasing Amy writer/director Kevin Smith showed us a different side of that scene in his miniseries The Widening Gyre, as Batman confides in a new protégé:
I guess we should have seen this coming. It only makes sense for a human being, previously responsible for bringing a walking shit demon to the big screen, to literally take the piss out of Batman. They say that with enough preptime, Batman can beat gods - but no one is safe from incontinence. And shitty writing.