3. X-Man (Atari 2600)

Despite sounding like a Marvel comic, X-Man has more in common with Pac-Man than Wolverine. The goal of the game, as a naked human male with an erection about to last more than four hours, is to navigate a simple maze in order to have a consensual, programmed intercourse routine. Obstacles along the way include teeth, scissors and crabs that want nothing but to infect and otherwise disembody your 24-inch penis. Upon completing the maze with your member intact, you are tasked with an actual sex minigame that rewards dutiful thrusting with a simultaneous orgasm/technicolor acid trip for both parties. By default, X-Man is the most realistic game on this list.

About as Sexy as: A lapdance from Professor X


2. The Guy Game (PS2)

Most of these games have the excuse of being made before the internet age, but this is not the case with The Guy Game. Much like today, if one wanted to see a particular part of the human anatomy in 2004, it was as easy as typing "nude jugs"into Google. The makers of The Guy Game were pretty into the boobage part of the equation, but decided to replace instant gratification with a slog through the Girls Gone Wild equivalent of Hollywood Squares. Most of the nudity in the game is censored with The Guy Game logo, just so you remember who is supplying you with the depressing array of young women coerced by shady producers who preyed on naivete and low self-esteem. Other than that, it's totally hot.

About as Sexy as: Falling back on your degree in Communications


1. Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em (Atari 2600)

Never has a suggestive title been so horribly accurate. In this real video game that real Swedish humans spent real time and money on, the player controls two naked women whose sole purpose is to collect cascading semen with their mouths. The proprietor of this prolific penis pump is sitting on top a building with a shitty permanent grin on his face. He's like the Hamburglar, but he doesn't steal food and he has an unlimited supply of bodily fluids. There's a gender-swapped version of this game called Philly Flasher, which involves two horny male inmates clamoring to drink the fermented breast milk of a naked witch. Who says gaming has a lack of strong female characters?

About as Sexy as: A Big Gulp filled with air conditioner condensation