7. BMX XXX (Xxxboxxx)

Following the megahit Tony Hawk games the early 2000s, several companies sought to get in on the extreme-sports-via-button-combinations zeitgeist. It wasn't long before there were plenty of games featuring surfing, snowboarding and even rollerblading. Acclaim saw a clear chance to save its failing company by making a BMX game with strippers and cursing. BMX XXX was lauded by 11 year-olds for having "sweet vids of poon" and "bikers with big boobs hangin' out." The affluent, unsupervised preteen boy market was not enough to save Acclaim from bankruptcy a couple years later.

About as Sexy as:  BMX in the year 2013


6. Hot Slots (NES)

From the makers of Bubble Bath Babes comes Hot Slots, a game that teases you with a genital-implying title only to reveal itself as a hardcore gambling simulator. The girls of Hot Slots only go for high rollers, so you've got to score big money if you want to see what they mean when they say "Play my slots harder! My cherries are nice and ripe!" (Hint: They are attempting to arouse you with dialogue suggesting that you engage in coitus with with a two-dimensional image of a female.)

About as sexy as: The combined aroma of the elderly and cups of used pennies



5. Sexy Droids (Amiga)

What's sexier than playing a crude grid-based numbers game while slowly unveiling a pixelated image of a nude woman? Why, playing a crude grid-based numbers game while slowly unveiling a pixelated image of a cyborg with features that somewhat resemble the breasts of the human species! This triumph of sexbot engineering is actually a follow-up to the seminal Blue Angel 69, which is mostly identical save a wildly misleading title. Buying both gets you an extra stamp on your punchcard for a Supercuts neckbeard trim.

About as sexy as: C-3PO on an oil-covered Slip 'n Slide


4. Playboy: The Mansion (PS2)

Imagine The Sims, but instead of building relationships, managing a career and making a family, you wander a cavernous mansion filled with sentient sex objects and exploit them to build your empire. If that sounds good to you, it's likely that you've already had to explain your legal status door-to-door in your neighborhood. To be fair, there's a little more to do beyond parties, photoshoots and three seconds rounds of virtual dryhumping -- but no one's going to believe that you're only playing to write the articles.

About as sexy as: Hugh Hefner's eyebrow mites