The Dorklyst: The 10 Unsexiest Videogames Ever Made

Videogames can be funny, poignant and especially rage-inducing, but "sexy" has never been gaming's strong suit. Maybe Grand Theft Auto V's topless lapdances will rouse a few, but many other games have attempted to tighten the sweatpants of the gamer populace before, and all have failed. Here are the ten most spectacular feats of NSFW failures in videogame history.

 

10. Bachelor Party (Atari 2600)

It's been a long time since I saw Bachelor Party, but I don't think that the 1984 film adaptation of this 1982 video game was very faithful. Maybe I went to the bathroom when Tom Hanks ricocheted back and forth across the screen, banging brightly-colored women into oblivion. Despite the success of the movie, we never did get the film version of the sequel, Bachelorette Party. It was the same game but with the gender roles reversed, so maybe they would have been better off calling it Ms. Bachelor Party.

About as Sexy as: The romance novel adaptation of Bosom Buddies

 

9. Night Trap (Sega CD)

When it comes to tawdry FMV games, the infamous Night Trap takes the hollowed-out, stripper-sized cake. Despite the fact that there is no nudity and next to no explicit violence in the game, in the early 90s Night Trap joined Doom and Mortal Kombat on an angry Congress' shit list. Taken together, legislators found reason to call for the creation of the ESRB, the organization best known for putting the "T for Teen" sticker on millions of copies of Goldeneye for Nintendo 64. All that fuss over a game that has you switching channels between security footage in the hopes of seeing Dana Plato in a Kmart nightie.

About as Sexy as: a rating of 'B for Bea Arthur'

 

 

8. Bubble Bath Babes (NES)

This unlicensed cartridge has sold for up to $1,100 on eBay in recent weeks. That translates to about $100 per pixel of nipple nudity, an all-time low in this economy. Maybe collectors finally figured out that the game is less about babes and more about the bubbles that make up the dull and weirdly difficult puzzle game. For a grand and change, buyers expect a naked 8-bit girl to do a little more than move her hand a few centimeters down her leg every few seconds. Somehow the naked victory screen with the offer to "soak in my suds" doesn't seem like it's worth a month of rent.

About as Sexy as: Mr. Clean and Mr. Bubble slashfic