Pwn? Noob? Leet? These terms are outdated and, frankly, a little childish-sounding. We associate them with the worst of gamers: the hyperbolically-angry, loud, anti-social, shut-in gamers of the world. It's time to retire these old terms and replace them with some new ones that would be more in line with the world today. Here are our suggestions for what terms could replace the old slang.
What We Should Replace It With: Pichu
Pichu is an example of a terrible idea someone at Pokemon had to add worse, weaker pre-evolutions of existing Pokemon. Imagine being a Pokemon designer, looking at something like Pikachu or Jynx, and saying "Nah, we need this but worse." Pichu is probably the most well-known of these horrible ideas, so let's start calling unreasonably bad players Pichu. Because Pichu sucks.
Example: "Did he seriously just try to no scope that sniper? What a Pichu."
What We Should Replace It With: Dwayne Johnson'd
Listen you could say you "rocked" someone, as in destroying them in a showy manner. But we don't say "rock" anymore we say "Dwayne Johnson." Look at the credits for Fast & Furious 6. Welcome to the 21st century.
Example: "30 kills, no deaths. I totally Dwayne Johnson'd you Pichus that game."
What We Should Replace It With: Coach Is Going To Take Us Out For Pizza
Remember playing any organized sports as a kid? At the end of the game, you were expected to line up and tell each member of the opposing team "good game" (even though it was usually a terrible game and you somehow struck out in tee-ball). But the real great part about post-game was going out for pizza. No one cared about saying "good game" in an emotionless monotone, but everyone loves pizza.
Example: "Wow, that really came down to the wire there. Coach Is Going To Take Us Out For Pizza, dude."
What We Should Replace It With: Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson, a veteran of both professional wrestling Hollywood, has been the biggest breakout sensation in wrestling history, with quality of films far surpassing those of Hulk Hogan or even "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. His skills as an actor and wrestler are nigh unmatched, all while maintaining an absurdly muscular body. His dedication to his craft and his health should serve as an inspiration for all others. Note: His name should never be spelled with numbers in place of letters. This would demean his name, which is Dwayne Johnson.
Example: "Damn, that guy's prestiged already? He's one hell of a Dwayne Johnson."
What We Should Replace It With: Mimic Dwayne Johnson's Workout Routine
Dwayne Johnson does the same things every day work out, eat, work out, eat, stare at his swole muscles in the mirror for 15 minutes. And the result? He gets stronger and stronger each day, until his body literally begins to collapse around him, like a star that's gone supernova.
Example: "Before I take on that boss, I gotta Mimic Dwayne Johnson's Workout Routine in the dungeon a little."
What We Should Replace It With: The Box Office of Fast Five
Hm, so the Fast & Furious franchise finally makes the wise choice to add Dwayne Johnson to the cast, and suddenly the box office returns are huge and the film stands as one of the best action movies in the past 10 years. Really, it's the greatest reward possible. Not only did the studio rake in a ton of cash, but they also got a quality film with all of the esteem brought by actor Dwayne Johnson.
Example: "Wow, that enemy we defeated left a ton of great The Box Office of Fast Five!"
What We Should Replace It With: Mirror Universe Dwayne Johnson
What would the opposite of Dwayne Johnson look like? A tiny, weak little person with no clue what he was doing and very little natural combat skill or charisma. Whereas Dwayne Johnson is the pinnacle of human achievement, his opposite would be a weak, ineffectual nobody.
Example: "Ugh, as a Dwayne Johnson, I hate playing matches when I'm teamed up with these Mirror Universe Dwayne Johnsons, who always end up getting Dwayne Johnson'd."