Daenerys is, like, 14 years old

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

Daenerys is in a rough spot when Game of Thrones begins - she's the exiled daughter of a brutally-deposed king, her psychotic brother has arranged for her to be married to a nomadic warrior king who's really into horses, and just look at how that name is spelled. She probably has to correct people all the time. But the real messed up thing is that she starts off the books at the age of 14. That's when she's forced into having sex with her new Dothraki husband (he technically does give her a choice - but when you're the child slave bride of a warrior-king, you're not in much of a position to reasonably give consent). So - remember that cool Khal Drogo guy? He's a child rapist. The show gets away with making this all seem not-creepy-as-hell because Emilia Clarke is in her 20's (she would be a great-grandmother by this point in the world of Game of Thrones).

So whenever you get excited to see Daenerys nude in Game of Thrones, remember that Chris Hansen is going to knock on your door at any moment.

George R.R. Martin describes Tyrion's penis for some reason

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

"Even his manhood was ugly, thick and veined, with a bulbous purple head." (A Storm of Oh God Did He Just Write 'Bulbous Purple Head', Oh God I'm Feeling Nauseous)

Game of Thrones has a lot of mysteries - Jon Snow's true parentage, Daenerys' prophetic dreams, etc. But one mystery that no one was ever curious about was already answered: what does Tyrion's penis look like? George R.R. Martin put that mystery to rest with one of the most unnecessary descriptions in all of literature.

Oh wait, he describes Samwell's penis, too

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

"And suddenly his cock was out, jutting upward from his breeches like a fat pink mast." (A Feast For STOP OH MAN STOP PLEASE)

Speaking of unnecessary descriptions of genitals that no one ever wanted to hear about ever for any reason - Samwell Tarly's genitals! In erection form! Please, Sam, stab my eyes out with some dragonglass.

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN LITERALLY DESCRIBES A VAGINA AS A "MYRISH SWAMP"

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

"The queen slid a finger into that Myrish swamp, then another..." (A Feast For Inappropriate Genital Descriptions)

Someone needs to just ban George R.R. Martin from genital metaphors forever.

And he loves describing big, dark nipples

5 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding
  • "They were large and heavy, with big brown nipples." (describing Ryman Frey's prostitute)
  • "...studded leather vest, so absurdly small that it did not even cover his nipples." (Strong Belwas)
  • "She gave it a gentle squeeze, then ran her thumbnail lightly across the big dark nipple." (Taena Merryweather)
  • "She had high firm breasts with nipples the color of dark chocolate that hardened instantly when Sandy brushed them with his fingers." (from The Armageddon Rag, which is not Game of Thrones, but still by George R.R. Martin)
  • "On her huge breasts, all around the fat dark nipples, the last customer had left tooth-marks where he'd chewed her." (from Dreamsongs, which is also not Game of Thrones, but COME ON)
  • "The round ripe breasts with their huge dark nipples..." (Arianne Martell)
  • "He felt her nipples stiffen as his thumbs brushed over them..." (still Arianne Martell)
  • "...was there ever a woman with nipples so large or so responsive?" (yes, STILL Arianne Martell)

There's a scene where Jaime and Cersei have sex while Cersei's on her period...RIGHT NEXT TO A CORPSE...IN THE CHURCH (well, "Sept")

5 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

That is a thing that happens.

Note: it gets so, so much worse when you know whose corpse it is.

The end note of A Feast For Crows

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

George R.R. Martin knew exactly what he was doing with his books. Until A Storm of Swords, that is. The longest period between books up to that point had been 2 years. AFFC took 5 years - primarily because ol' MurderSanta was having some trouble with some complicated plotlines he referred to as "The Meereenese Knot." So what he did was split the proposed 4th novel into two books - A Feast For Crows would come first, and then A Dance With Dragons. Both would cover relatively similar time periods, split up by geography and characters. At the end of AFFC, Martin claimed that A Dance With Dragons was nearly done, and would be published the following year.

It took another SIX YEARS to publish the book.

If you thought the Red Wedding was painful, you know nothing.