There is a clear temptation when you begin playing The Sims to simply make yourself and recreate the world around you. After all, you know yourself, but wouldn't it be great to see how a virtual version of you would react to a world where you're your own god? You can make yourself, your one bedroom apartment, and see how Virtual You compares to Real You. Can Virtual You get a job in politics by babbling in front of a mirror and telling gibberish jokes to random passers-by? Because that didn't work out so well for Real You.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

Listen: if you're playing The Sims, your life isn't really that great. Instead of being a wealthy social butterfly entrepreneur, jet-setting to various tropical beaches on your fleet of private jets, you're hunched in front of a glowing rectangle, playing god to some pixels. But what if you could have that incredible tropical island life without having to do any of the work to get there? With The Sims, you finally can! Type in that one quote from Citizen Kane a few times, and suddenly you're wealthy beyond all comprehension. Also, you're always wearing a tuxedo instead of stained sweatpants, that girl you're too awkward to ever approach is in love with you, and you've somehow gone from Sports Mascot to Professional Athlete in a few days. Now if only you could get naked without your genitals pixelating immediately.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

There are a few games that absolutely confirm that we are all horrible monsters who totally lack empathy: Grand Theft Auto, any Bethesda release, and – most importantly – The Sims. While we engage in needless acts of violence in all these games, The Sims is the only one where treating characters with cruelty isn't rewarded in any way. Yet putting your Sims into a pool and removing the ladders so that they'll drown is such a widespread phenomenon that it's a full-fledged meme. There are few that would be able to say with an honest conscience that they've never boxed their Sims in a wall until they've starved to death. It probably has something to do with your god-like status as world creator and distributor of free will – absolute power corrupts absolutely. Although sometimes you just have to kill your subjects, because – c'mon – it's so annoying that they're constantly pissing themselves.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

There's more fanfiction on the internet than traces of grain alcohol in Amanda Bynes bloodstream. Untold numbers of people devote countless hours of their lives to writing scenarios where Professor Snape makes out with Gandalf while Luke Skywalker does unspeakable things to a Tribble. But that's hard – writing takes a lot of time and (unless you want to spend a lot of time animating your horrible sexual fiction) the result will only be able to be seen in your imagination. Well, with the Sims you can have Saul Tigh fall hopelessly in love with Sherlock Holmes, and any other number of weird combinations that will all end in WooHoo's and heartbreak when they all die in an unexpected mac 'n cheese fire.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

You just want money and see how big of a ridiculous house you can build for yourself. Cover the ground with hot tubs, leather couches, and flat screen TVs, order pizza for every meal, and put in a swimming pool with ladders! Hell, you even have money to put up wallpaper.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

You want to play The Sims, but you don't want to have to watch these sub-human morons like a hawk and dictate their every task just so they can barely survive. So – turn on free will and watch your Sims perish or prosper without intervening. I mean, really, the only possibility is perish, since these stupid drones can't figure out how to get past a plate in the hallway without some guidance most of the time, but you never know.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

Really, the Sims themselves are the most irritating part of the game. They're always whining, demanding that you pay attention to their needs of showering or going to the bathroom or eating food. This wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so horribly inept at doing anything and just generally helpless. But building insane, majestic homes and buildings – that's all within your absolute control, and buildings never moan about anything. You can finally build the home of your dreams – too bad the only people that can live in it are a bunch of ungrateful polygons.




The 7 Types of Sims Players

Just kidding, no one actually plays this way.