5. Launchpad McQuack (DuckTales)

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Here it is – the top 5 videogame sidekicks of all-time. And we start with…Launchpad McQuack? …Okay, not gonna try to solve this mystery (even though I'd love to re-write history and put him a few slots behind). To be fair, Launchpad was an integral part of DuckTales – he was responsible for getting Scrooge out of every level, if Scrooge ran into too much d-d-danger lurkin' behind him. The guy even sat around waiting ON THE MOON to take Scrooge home ON A HELICOPTER…on the off-chance that Scrooge FELT like it. After all, sometimes life is like a hurricane, and you need someone like Launchpad by your side (DuckTales, a-woooo-oooo!).

4. Weighted Companion Cube (Portal)

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There are very, very few videogames where you develop a deep emotional attachment to an inanimate object. But that cube was something special – it was the closest thing you had to an ally in Portal, helping you solve puzzles and all, until you had to throw it into an incinerator. And it just let you do that. Sure, it didn't really have a choice, but still: it was a better sidekick than you deserved. Thankfully, it didn't get burned (too badly), and – somewhere out there – it's being carried through a field of wheat by a probably-insane person carrying time-space altering technology on her arm.

3. Yoshi (Super Mario World)

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Every kid dreams of one day riding a dinosaur (or, if you're a creationist, you're just bummed out that a bunch of people already got to do that a couple thousand years ago and you missed it). What could be better, right? Riding a prehistoric beast, having him eat your enemies for you, and you could toss him away when you were done, because that's how oil is made [ citation needed ]. Super Mario World was an answer to every child's dream: you could ride dinosaurs! They had powers depending on skin color! That might be slightly racist of Nintendo! Also you force them to sacrifice themselves to help you jump over chasms! And when you were done with one Yoshi, there would always be another for you to hatch and ride off into the sunset. Until you got to a castle, at least. Bowser specified no pets allowed indoors. Sorry Yoshi.

2. Luigi (Super Mario Bros.)

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Luigi – the perpetual number two, the sad sidekick who's only shots at the spotlight were Mario Is Missing! and the game where he sucks ghosts up in a vacuum. He's such a sidekick that his last name is the main guy's name. It's hard to get more sidekick-y than that. Still, he rarely complains, he's (almost) always by Mario's side, and you always used to make your little brother (as Luigi) beat World 1-3 in Super Mario Bros. 3 so you (as Mario) could get the first Toad House. And if you could get those feverish nightmares of John Leguizamo out of your head, he would be your ideal sidekick in real life too.

1. Epona (The Legend of Zelda series)

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Here it is. The number one, best, greatest videogame sidekick of all-time. It wasn't a two-tailed fox, it wasn't a badass turian, it was…a horse. Not just any horse though! It was Epona. It was Link's eternal steed. The first ride-able animal in the Legend of Zelda franchise, and a godsend for anyone who first looked out on Hyrule Field and said "I am NOT gonna somersault my way across this every single time." She came running whenever you played her song, regardless of where you were. She doesn't mind that you force-feed her carrots to make her to run faster. She traverses into an alternate universe with you in Majora's Mask. She even appears in another generation of Link in Twilight Princess. This is one hell of a dedicated horse. This is a horse for the ages. This is…


*Except Tails. Tails was better. So was Garrus. And Agro. Also Dogmeat.