The dual berettas had one thing going for them: there were two. Beyond that, they were pretty awful low damage, terrible accuracy, take a long time to reload, and most confusingly were pretty expensive. The good thing is that, again, there were two, and they could be fired quickly. So if you were being attacked by thousands of mice that are approaching you in two perfectly straight rows and you happen to have $1000 laying around, you knew which guns to reach for.
The torch is almost a good weapon you can throw them and they light the ground aflame, killing enemies that get caught in the blaze. However, you can only throw two, and then you have to wait for the fires to go out before you can do anything, leaving you completely defenseless in the meantime. Odds are you'll be running around in your underwear in no time with this one.
When a water gun and silverware are more effective weapon choices, you know you must be a pretty crummy weapon. The footballs in Zombies Ate My Neighbors are pretty useless low damage, slow, and really only useful against football players (which actually doesn't make sense they should be the only ones who are unaffected by them, right?). Then again, if the neighbors in need of saving are depending on kids wearing 3D glasses and wielding popsicles, maybe you should save your footballs and worry about yourself.
Probably the most awkward way to adapt South Park to a videogame was accomplished in 1998's South Park videogame: the extremely 2D comedy series was turned into a 3D, first person shooter that played like Turok. So, we're off to a bad start. What made things worse was your default weapon in the game was a snowball. Pretty clever, right? There's snow everywhere and you're a kid it would make sense that you had access to snowballs. Clever doesn't translate into "good" though the weapon was weak and useless as you would expect it to be. Then again, you can pee on the snowballs, so you have to give some points for sheer creativity.
Let's get this out of the way: Mr. Saturn is useful for is breaking shields. But the odds of being able to use him at a time when someone's using their shield is incredibly slim, to the point where it's pretty easy to ignore it entirely. They can be thrown at opponents, and have the cumulative damage effect of a styrofoam ball against a steel wall. Luckily, the cool kids play with all items off except Pokeballs, so this shouldn't really be a concern.