Alright. I admit it: I never played Earthbound.
So when I finally unlocked the mysterious Dennis-The-Menace-wannabe on the first Super Smash Bros, I was itchin' to fight him right away. I was going to do just fine sticking with trusty Captain Falcon. This kid didn't stand a chance against a fist full of Falcon fury. I would come to learn, I was putting baby in the corner.
When my friend picked up his controller and immediately raced to select Ness first, my eyebrow raised. I felt the hairs prickle on the back of my neck. Something was seriously rotten in Onett. What did he know that I didn't? Was there more to this mystery character? Once I got a taste of what the little boy with the round, rosy cheeks was truly capable of, I got scared.
That enormous dome of his beat me mercilessly. Don't even get me started on the power of that baseball bat swing. I still wake up in cold sweats whenever I hear that smash noise. I couldn't believe Ness was just sitting there on the edge, keeping me at bay with his lame yo-yo when ohmygods, he was actually trying to hit himself the entire time just so he could rocket back at me! My little yellow racing booties never even touched the platform.
Beating these adorable, walking roast beefs is a joke. You can just lazily hop over them! Or, if you really want to humiliate them, you can ride on them like a child's merry-go-round. Or pick one up and toss it into another one of his chums. It's actually pretty fun to walk all the way over to an edge and chuck them into an 8 bit waterfall just to watch their little feet flail hopelessly in the air. Is that the best you got, Super Mario Bros 2?
But introduce a little bit of sand and these guys turn into a serious force to be reckoned with. I'm talking about the desert levels where you have to dig way down deep to snag a key. Stress and pure panic courses through your veins when you see that lone Shy Guy casually walking toward you. Furiously pushing the B Button, you beg Toad to dig faster, but your prayers go unanswered. The Shy Guy takes his sweet ass time and cockily saunters, taking you down with a mere hip check or even worse, drops right on top of you to avenge his fallen brethren.
My, my how the tables have turned. How quick we were to mock the fates. We wouldn't trust Mario again until the next installment of the series, and that's only because they lured us back with tanooki suits and warp whistles.
Fun Fun Island sounds like a pretty sweet place to kick up your Hylian boots, gamble a few rupees and sip a glass of Lon Lon milk. The owner is Dodoh; a jolly, fat clown who welcomes you to his humble isle with open arms. Everything is gonna be alllllllllright.
Or not. Turns out, Fun Fun Island isn't like that at all. In fact, I'd rather play The Water Temple. Backwards. On my head. With my eyes shut while suffering from a serious case of vertigo.
I shelled out rupee after precious rupee playing Dodoh's High Dive, grinding my teeth to powder each time I had to endure another cut scene of Dodoh's patronizing falsetto of my performance. Landing on that Mystery panel on his Wheel o' Suck is near impossible. After the first 150 tries of that damn high dive game, I wanted to snatch his giant clowny horn from him and pummel him within an inch of his clowny life.
I thought Tingle was bad. Oh no, my friends
Dodoh is so much worse. Tingle doesn't hold up a blue candle to Dodoh and his carnival of pure hell.
Everyone hates you Metal Slime.