We all know this guy. For one thing, he is a guy, and in case that was not apparent to you he's going to prove how much of a guy he is by playing only the most testosterone driven games. First Person Shooters (or as he might say, games where you shoot stuff), Sports games (by which he means Madden Football, and probably not FIFA Futball), and Racing games (not included in the Sports genre because this is the game where he goes to "pimp" his virtual "ride," which has little to do with Football). The covers of his game collection proudly display Tiger Woods, Drew Brees, or some other noteworthy athlete who got famous enough to hock his or her (but not really her) own game. When he's not virtually dribbling the golfball down the rink (I…I don't know sports games…) he's most likely either teabagging noobs in Halo, or pulling 360 no-scopes in Call Of Duty.

We all like the classics. Show me a gamer who hasn't pulled out their N64 and blazed through Zelda or Mario in the past six months, and I'll show you a picture of me and my girlfriend (the joke is that neither exists). The problem with these people is not that they like bitchin-sweet old-school games that defined an entire generation's childhood experience, it's that they fetishize these games into perverse cultural and aesthetic objects that then turn the memory of playing these games as a child into some sort of 1960's, subversive, counter-culture exercise; like doing acid or having kinky, unprotected sex to protest a war. They claim that modern games just don't capture the "spirit" of classics like Pac-man or Donkey Kong Country, which is presumably the same "spirit" that keeps them from contributing anything to society.



Let's face it, if your on this site chances are you weren't one of the popular kids in high school, but perhaps now you have the luck of falling into the popular gamer clique. These are the gamers who most other gamers wouldn't consider actual gamers. If all you own is a Wii, or you have every version of Guitar hero, Rock Band, or even Singstar, then chances are you're a popular gamer. Even at social gatherings (I think they're called "parties") these games are welcome, and even gamers of the "harder" core variety find them fun at times. Sure we talk about how much we don't like the popular kids, but we'd sure as hell be willing to murder each other to be part of their clique. And that's all there is to say really; they casually enjoy what we obsessively do. Also, in the off chance they are reading this, I'd really like to make sure they know how cool I think there lackadaisical gaming habits are, so I'll leave it at that.


A list of games a poser may own would include Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, Rock Band, Final Fantasy, Super Mario Galaxy….see this is the problem with these fuckin' posers, the only games they play are the ones that they figure will classify them as a gamer, so they steal a little bit from everyone. These are the people who try to nuzzle in close to the jocks while simultaneously trying to rub shoulders with the popular kids. "Hey bros, wanna hang out, I've got Halo 3," "Party at my house I've got two sets of Rock band 2" And of course he has rock Band 2 and Halo 3, and when you ask which GTA he has he responds "the first one, San Andreas." Buying an original when it is released is too risky because he doesn't yet know if everyone else knows whether they like it or not. And God forbid he chart his own course and pick up a game that hasn't been plastered all over MTV for the past few months.


Ask yourself this. Do you enjoy adventure and wonder? Do you have a strong affinity for math and statistics? Do the majority of games you own feature swords and spells? Are you a virgin? If you answered yes to any of those questions then chances are you are a Nerd gamer. This is the group of gamers that even gamers poke fun at. Nerd gamers tend to stick with the Fantasy and RPG types of games. Chances are they are involved in active guilds and clans online in MMOs and may have even LARPed around a bit. We aren't saying that these games are bad, it's just that the people who play them do so with such a lust and addiction that they become the lone alcoholic that makes everyone else with a drink in their hand embarrassed and ashamed. In the end, it almost makes us feel guilty for wanting to beat the shit out of our fellow nerds, but of course, we're all nerds anyway, so the only shit-beating we could dole out would be online.