Great news, Tails! I just got off the phone with Sega: they're offering a three-game deal!
Wow, this is incredible. We're going to be famous!
Yup, and get this: They're naming the game "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"
Wow! … wait, what?
Man, I'm going to be rolling in rings when this thing blows up…
No wait, hold on, Sonic. Why did they name the game after you?
Because I'm the main character. I'm a hedgehog with lightning speed and a bad attitude.
It's just… have you seen hedgehogs? They're not very cool. They kind of just sit there.
Yeah, but how many hedgehogs have a sick blue mowhawk?
…
I spent an hour gelling it this morning.
Forget the mowhawk. How are you lightning fast? Hedgehogs can run 10 miles per hour, tops.
It's these red sneakers, man. I'm as quick as a fox in these things!
Oh you mean those same red sneakers I bought a month ago make you "quick as a fox"?
Totally.
Seriously Sonic, this is bullshit.
OK fine Tails, give me one good reason why you should be the star of this game.
Um, let's see… how about the fact that I can fucking fly?
So?
You know those spikes you keep hitting in the backyard? I just fly over those.
Ok Amelia EarFART, you made your point. I'll talk to Sega about putting you in the sequel.
The sequel?!? You know what, forget it. Sega clearly doesn't know what they're doing if they think some punk hedgehog is faster than a fox named Miles Power. Miles Power. You know, like miles per hour?
I'm not seeing the connection here.
Whatever, screw you. I'll star in my own video game. How does "The Adventures of Miles Power" sound to you?
A video game starring a fox? Next thing you'll tell me it takes place in space and you have a toad for a sidekick.