3. Dance Central/Just Dance/Any Dancing Game
No. Just no. I see 8-year-old kids at the retail store I work at jumping up and down while singing along to "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO way too much as it is. Sure, kids love to dance so I can see why dancing games get lumped into the "family friendly" crowd.
But if you were ever remotely uncomfortable as your niece bumped and grinded in the car to Katy Perry or if you ever sat, stunned in horror as she rewound and re-watched sexualized CG rodents sing about boys putting a ring on it, you'll definitely want to classify this genre as untouchable.
Just Dance 3 has lyrics like "You can put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans." Dance Central has moves like the Booty Bank and Rump Roast. Whatever happened to holding arms out stiff as concrete while awkwardly shuffling side-to-side, ass sticking out to conceal an erection? You know, the wholesome kind of dancing every high school prom-goer knows about?
Oh. My. Japanese god. This game is positively luscious. It's a painting come to life! And look at the cutesy designs of the villagers, with their big cartoony noses! And everywhere you run as Amaterasu, flowers spring from the ground! It's just so key-uuuuute! And then bam! Holy tits!
Yes, Sakuya has quite the rack on her, doesn't she? Sure the sexuality is nothing too explicit, but it's not something that went ignored in this game, either. Issun, Amaterasu's guide and companion throughout Okami, mentions that he often sleeps within Sakuya's robes and even more specifically, her cleavage.
Later on, Ammy and Issun meet up with Priestess Rao, whose body Issun comments on at length. Not to worry though, he was actually talking to Ninetails, a deceptive and evil spirit who had already murdered the priestess and taken her form.
Pulled from a list of "favorite boss fight techniques of all time," fighting a dragon in Okami requires you to get each of its separate heads drunk with sake. And of course, certain brush attacks will slice enemies in half. Because you know papercuts.
It's rated T for Teen, but that doesn't stop it from having a deceptively cute and adorable appearance that would fit right along any contemporary Saturday morning cartoon. Tell a parent that it's a game about a magic wolf with the power of painting and they'll eagerly snatch it up for their 7-year-old. And what will they find? Sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Ah, the Japanese. How we love them.
1. Katamari Damacy
If you thought Okami was bad, it's got nothing on the Katamari series. But while Okami is flat-out a T-rated game, fully acknowledging its darker tones, Katamari games are coated with a thick enough layer of abstract silliness that people tend to overlook just what's happening. Let's start off with the why of Katamari Damacy; you are the son of the King of All Cosmos, picking up the mess left behind from your father going on a drunken bender. So don't worry if you and your pop don't get along in real life. At least you don't have to rebuild the entire freakin' galaxy after he's had a few brews.
Next, those who have played the games know that while levels start out small, eventually you'll be rolling up entire towns of innocent victims, almost surely crushing and/or asphyxiating them under the immense weight of debris. Why? So your alcoholic dad can judgmentally look at your work and dismiss your efforts with a wave.
But even this could be interpreted as looking too deeply; seeing what one wishes to see. That's why we look instead to a speech by series creator Keita Takahashi, where he reveals that he intended the games to be a critique of society's almost religious worship of capitalism and consumerism. As the Prince, you consume and destroy to meet the demands of a judgmental father figure, who is never at all satisfied with how much you have collected. So you collect more. And more. And more, all the while losing purpose and direction; taking simply to take. It was meant to be an ironic joke. And no one got it.
Which no, isn't really very funny. More sad. Truly, depressingly sad. But hey, that's life. And as Anthony and Ashly Burch have espoused on Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'?, ""sometimes life isn't funny.""://www.gametrailers.com/video/katamari-damacy-hawp/50471 But this is Dorkly, so have a silly picture. You're welcome.