Tis the season, dear Dorkly readers. Tis the season for giving, for gathering, for growing and geniality. It's a lovely time of year, and I know a great many of you are just aching to know what games you can pop into the console without upsetting the family's delicate sensibilities as they sit, stuffed at the dinner table. Well, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is you may not want to use any of those in this list. Good news is hey, it's the Internet! There's bound to be at least one poop joke ahead! So go on, get to reading!
Oh sure, the allure is there, and it has been for a good five years now. Create a cartoon representative of yourself and send it to Nintendo's virtual sports arena to have it do battle on the golf course, in the bowling lanes, or even a boxing ring. And why not? The system is only $150, and Wii Sports, the game that launched a thousand units (classic literature reference!), is now only $20 new. Cheap system, good for the kids to mess around with and keep occupied for a few hours right?
Oh yeah, totally. But you know what you aren't going to enjoy? The crap-ton of savings that just went down the toilet because nephew Randy "hurled that Wii remote straight through your new 46" HDTV"://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzJDPQMTK9k. I'm pretty sure that the amount of financial damage, not to mention the punishment most parents would exact upon a child for such copious amounts of damage, would be enough to send any parent into a frenzy and classify Wii Sports as one of the world's strongest rage fuels.
Family bonding: destroyed.
Speaking of the holidays, here's an end-of-year release that's actually on my personal wish list. I mean, look at it. It's byoooooooteeful. And unlike the original Rayman games, which never expounded on Rayman's
origins, Rayman Origins actually flat-out tells us that our weird, floating-body-and-limbless Rayman was created by moonbeams being given life from the Nymphs as part of a prophecy. It's cute, cartoony and silly, even when Rayman is being a little perv and giving his mom an upskirt.
Yeah. In the announcement trailer for Origins, we see Rayman playfully giving the Nymph that has given him life so, his mom a blast of air from below to peek under her skirt. And even if that weren't quite odd enough, people know what nymphs are, right? Like, you realize that someone who craves sex to a clinically significant degree is called a nymphomaniac? And though the sexual connotations are fairly recent, even the more nature-centered nymphs of the Greeks still engaged in the act. And when they mated with Poseidon, they gave birth to this. Huh. You know, by those standards, Rayman actually looks pretty normal.
Playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii is like going through the five stages of grief. At first, everything is fine as Mom and Dad reminisce fondly: Aww, it's Mario and Luigi, off to save the Mushroom Kingdom once again! How sweet. They remember when they first played the Super Mario Bros. games. They smile eagerly, waiting to share in the joy of a new Mario experience with their children; the next generation of gamers.
But there is one thing every parent forgets. A universal truth that anyone with a clear memory of junior high can tell you: Kids are assholes. And that's where the five stages come in.
So little Johnny and Susie just bounced Mommy and Daddy into a fire pit. No big deal, it was probably an accident, right? Denial. Well now it's happened again, and what's more, Susie won't share when two mushrooms pop out. Dad lashes out, gritting his teeth as he calls his pre-teen daughter a good-for-nothing hussy gold-digger. Anger. He apologizes, stating that he was just caught up in the moment, and offers to gladly pay for ice cream if only they'll let him have the next 1UP. Bargaining. The kids laugh, unimpeded by their parents' pleas for help. They carry on merrily, focused only on the game. Mom and Dad realize they have been replaced. Depression.
But that's where it ends. Either that or Anger, because New Super Mario Bros. Wii isn't as family-friendly as its pedigree would have you belive. It is instead a family destruction device engineered by Satan himself. I can feel my blood pressure rising just talking about it. I mean just
God damn that game.