We gamers like to kick off our booties after a rough nine-to-fiver, throw our legs up on our cinderblock table, pick up our controllers, and forget about the real world for just a few hours; to escape into a world where we're epic heroes assigned with the daunting task of vanquishing pure evil.
But sometimes we open that creepy-looking Pandora's Box and a springy "nuts in a can" snake pops out instead. We're suddenly pulled out of the fantasy when we encounter a villain that splits our sides with laughter. Here's our tribute to some of the most WTF characters in gaming.
For a series that introduced me to a soda-pop addicted boxer, I shouldn't have been surprised when Nintendo debuted this rather flamboyant opponent to the newest Punch Out!! game. But no amount of Rocky-esque training could prepare me for the Disco Kid. He was a perfect addition to Little Mac's off kilter rogue gallery, but about as intimidating as Carlton Banks dressed in a sailor suit holding a giant lolly.
Over-the-top, jazzy catchphrases like "Wheeee! Eh, stretch!" and "I. Am. Fa-bu-lous!" don't conjure up images of anyone close to resembling Ivan Drago. When this Chris Brown wannabe returns to claim his title, he makes a sparkly leap into the boxing ring sporting a full body spandex suit that would make Richard Simmons blush. At least King Hippo could take a punch with some dignity
the Disco Dandy just breathes out a whispy "eh!" This boxer wasn't training in the off season by furiously punching slabs of meat, he was searching Groupon for hot yoga deals.
Wait what? Wood Man? You're kidding me, right, Doc Wy? This is only Mega Man 2 and you're already scraping the bottom of the barrel for your futuristic robots of mayhem? If you were really struggling to come up with ideas, no one would blame you for making sh*t up. Hell, I still don't know what Guts Man is, but I DO know that he's got Olympian pectorals and the ability to hurl motherboard-crushing boulders. That's enough to make me quiver in my over-sized robo-boots.
His costume isn't even a full grown tree (those can be terrifying); it's a stump. He shoots leaves. Leaves. Get it together, Doc. You can't hope to take over Monsteropolis with robots like Wood Man. Hold up, are those blueprints for
a "Plant Man"? I give up.
Payne is the first attorney you face in court and from the very first "OBJECTION!", you know that Capcom's setting you up for an easy spike. He's everything you don't want in a lawyer: a stuttering, scrawny, middle-aged, whiner. He's arrogant as hell and has nothing to show for it. Seriously, Capcom, you couldn't give him one positive attribute? Godot had those sweet Gordie La Forge-esue glasses and the German broad brandished a menacing whip. Payne has a terrible comb-over.
He doesn't even try to put up a fight, instead opting to completely crumble under pressure. In fact, after pointing out some pretty obvious holes in his shoddy case, Payne loses all his hair from shock and it never returns. Talk about your heavy hitters.
Oh yeah, he's also a deadringer for the neurotic dad from Alf. Seriously, google it. Need I go on? I rest my case, your honor.