4. Half-Life: Episode 3 Never Happens
Well, it has officially been 4 years since the release of Half-Life: Episode 2. In the meantime, we've enjoyed a number of additional episodes, each released between 6 to 8 months between each other OH WAIT. Nevermind. That was the world we had expected to be living in, not this horrifying dystopic future we find ourselves in. Well, okay, maybe that's a bit hyperbolic (we do have Breaking Bad and pizza, after all), but we should have been playing Episode 3 back in December 2007, as promised. Hell, we should be clamoring for Episode 8 by now! Instead? Episode 3 is still nowhere to be seen, and we don't even have any expectation of when we will get to see it at all, or any future installment of the Half-Life series.
Are we looking at another Duke Nukem Forever situation, where something is eternally delayed only to be released as a shabby husk of what we dreamed it would be? Jesus, I hope not. I do not want to see Gordon Freeman flinging his own shit everywhere. But at this point, we should probably expect to see a proper Half-Life sequel before we see any episodes. Until then, we'll have to settle for using our crowbars on crabcakes at Red Lobster.
3. People Make More Philip K. Dick / Isaac Asimov Movies
Can you think of a shitty sci-fi film (not directed by George Lucas) that you've seen in the past 20 years? There's an extremely good chance that it was based on a book by Philip K. Dick or Isaac Asimov, two of the greatest sci-fi writers of all-time (right up there with Robert Heinlein, Ray Bradbury, and whoever writes the Halo novelizations). Let's go through a quick list: I, Robot; Paycheck; Next; The Adjustment Bureau; Minority Report; Bicentennial Man; Impostor; Screamers; A Scanner Darkly; Total Recall (which is now being remade!), etc. Even if some of these movies were decent by their own standards (and Total Recall was), they pretty much had to universally sacrifice all of the interesting themes and issues brought up in the original stories in favor of explosions and Will Smith wearing Converse shoes.
If you have an issue with that (and if you're reading this, you probably do), get ready for the mother of all movies designed to piss off nerds who like the book: They're making a Foundation movie. Let that sink in. Isaac Asimov's Foundation is A) extremely uncinematic; B) extremely cerebral by nature; and C) WHY? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS? Well, the answer is: Roland Emmerich. That's right. The guy behind Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, and 2012 is tackling Foundation. I'm not saying he's not extremely good at giving Will Smith an excuse to punch an alien in the face while welcoming it to a planet, but he does not seem like the best choice for something that should be a weird, thought-provoking sci-fi film. It's the story of a guy predicting the future of civilization based on a fringe arm of psychology so they can protect all human knowledge during an extended period of galactic barbarism. Maybe that almost sounds like an acceptable idea for a movie, except the story takes hundreds of years to get through and the main character (Hari Seldon) would need to die before the opening credits.
Plus, "Welcome to Foundation!" followed by punching an alien in the face just doesn't have much of a pop to it oh wait. Shit. It kinda totally does.
2. The Internet Runs Out of Ideas For Firefly T-Shirts
Ha, just kidding! That will never happen. Jayne's knit hat alone probably has at least 10 more possible shirt designs left.
1. US Adaptation of Doctor Who
It sounds crazy to imagine something so innately British being adapted to America, but with the recent seasons of Torchwood (a Doctor Who spinoff) being co-financed in America, it's not too crazy. In case you hadn't noticed, America loves stealing from the British and making it significantly worse (Skins, Free Agents, Coupling, etc). So why not Doctor Who? It's one of the longest running TV franchises ever, has a built-in fanbase, and instant name recognition.
What would the American Doctor Who look like? Here's my theory:
From producer Shonda Rhimes (Grey's Anatomy) comes the story of a doctor unlike any you've seen before! Tim Allen stars as Doctor Who, a peculiar neurosurgeon with a few secrets of his own. Accompanying him is Mischa Barton as his companion, Nurse Rose. Join them on their sexy adventures at Tardis Memorial Hospital and beyond! Sundays, 9/8c only on the CW.