Poor Bob Hoskins. While we'll all fondly remember his adorable alcoholism and devil may care attitude in toon noir film Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, we'll also forever remember him as chubsy wubsy Mario Mario in the Super Mario Bros. movie. And if there's one thing we gamers (and Bob Hoskins) can't stand, it's bad videogame movie adaptations.
What is it about videogame stories that Hollywood just can't get right? While novel adaptations will always have their "the book was so much better" crowd, the kindest words we can say about videogame films is typically, "Well the vomit didn't actually exit my mouth
" So let me put your mind and stomach at ease. Here's a list of films that, while not fantastic, are at least tolerable; the best videogame movies you'll ever see. And keep in mind "best" is a relative term, because for every entry on this list, there's three Uwe Boll sh*t sandwiches.
Break out the popcorn, and let's get rolling.
Jerry Bruckheimer is a pretty cool dude. He took a boring kids ride at Disney World that just about everyone had either willfully forgotten or just plain ignored and turned it into a pop culture phenomenon, complete with a captivated, yet ultimately ignorant, youthful audience. Oh, you want to be a pirate, do you? That's cute. Let's get you started with a routine rape and plundering of an unarmed fishing village, and then we'll set you adrift on the ocean where you can lose your teeth, sanity, and eventually life to scurvy. Cute, isn't it?
So it was nice of Bruckheimer to at least attempt to bring some life into the videogame to film adaptation market. Big-budget special effects, Alfred Molina, Ben Kingsley oh I'm sorry, Sir Ben Kingsley and Chesty Jake seem like a recipe for a movie that would leave no sour aftertaste. Ultimately though, that's all the movie was: a summer popcorn flick with all style and no substance. Still, it was a fun ride while it lasted. Now who wants to take me on in an ostrich race?
It's weird to think of a time when Lara Croft was the name in jungle/ancient ruin exploration instead of Nathan Drake. And lately, the famous Ms. Croft seems to be channeling horror film The Descent more than a female cross between James Bond and Indiana Jones. Which, by the way, in case you haven't seen The Descent, do so. Now. It's even got a little dig at the long-running Eidos/Crystal Dynamics franchise!
But back when Lara was still on top of her game and Angelina Jolie wasn't busy crossing off third-world countries to adopt from like she was collecting Beanie Babies there was this little diddy of a movie. While the first stumbled over its own feet in terms of pacing and an appropriate sense of wonder, this sequel delivered exactly what fans wanted: Lara Croft in skin-tight outfits, kicking ass, exploring appropriately awe-inspiring locales in the quest to stop baddies from wielding that which man was not meant to use.
Again, a popcorn flick and not much else, but at least it gets points for having not one, but two full colons in its title. Because God knows that's the one thing it would've been missing otherwise.
While director Christophe Gans you might remember him from his kung fu/romance/adventure/horror/action/mystery/thriller, Brotherhood of the Wolf gave us a well-framed and pretty look at the world Konami built, it wasn't exactly what the fans were expecting. Liberties such as Dahlia's good side alignment as well as the inclusion of nurses and Pyramid Head were met with much Internet raging. Sure some original elements remained, such as Cheryl/Sharon existing as a fragment of Alessa's soul, but the inclusion of a Satan-like possession turned even that Silent Hill cornerstone on its ear.
Still, there are some legitimately creepy moments in the film, and I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure death by intense heat not even being set on fire mind you, but instead literally melting from being so close to a fire is not one of the most preferred methods of execution. And hey, Sean Bean doesn't die in this movie! Which
holy crap you guys. I just realized. HOLY CRAP. SEAN BEAN DIDN'T DIE. SEAN BEAN ALWAYS DIES.
And people say originality is dead in Hollywood.