1) Shock and Denial

This is shocking news, no two ways about it. You always thought girl gamers were a myth, like beating Tetris or regular hygiene. It's only natural to have difficulty coping. Take deep breaths and try to focus on the game if you can. Things may spiral out of control. You may say things like "you're just saying that to cover up your high pitched pre-pubescent voice" or "No girls play video games." You'll try to ignore it but she'll insist that she's female, bringing out…

2) Anger

Now you've processed it, but you're still a little confused. And that makes you frustrated. And when that affects your kill-spread? Now you're angry. You can't deal with it; you may lash out, demanding she make you a sandwich. It's normal to start swearing, just like you always do, really. The game becomes a battleground for your anger. You may use your headset, for evil, as opposed to good (mocking n00bz). You'll keep dropping in headshots and teabagging her corpse. That's what she gets! You're not psychotic; it's only virtual!

3) Bargaining

Okay, okay. You're sorry, you got carried away there. You said some things, maybe she said some things; whatever. It's all in the past. Let's not dwell on who yelled at who that women's suffrage was a mistake; it could have been either of you. Apologize; tell her she can make decent headshots, for a girl. A girl, wow. Everything you look for in a girl; female. Plus video games? Are you kidding me? You know, maybe she could show you a picture. A few pictures. Or a tasteful video or two, you know just for laughs. Sexy, sexy laughs. Haha, but seriously, tits or GTFO.

4) Depression

No pictures or videos. You got an outraged message, which is crazy. If she didn't want attention, she shouldn't have been so blatantly female over Xbox Live. But still, you failed and got rejected by a female gamer. You feel so bad that you don't want to even leave the house, which is pretty convenient, because you weren't going to anyway. But still, it's bad. She would have been perfect; the two of you could have raised beautiful, beautiful gamers. She could have been the Lance to your Bill. Actually, let's not get into that imagery. That's only going to make the depression worse.

5) Working Through it

It won't be easy, but you have to work through it. Be realistic. It might not have worked out due to religious issues; you're Jewish, and she's a sniper. Your Zerg and she's not Zerg, which is really stupid, because Zerg freaking wins. Besides, you don't need a woman in your life, except your mom, and that's totally only until your WoW Gold-farming business goes up, so whatever. Try to remember it'll all be okay: you don't need her. Even though she had boobs. Sigh…boobs man. Boobs.

6) Acceptance

You remember there are boobs on the internet.

7) Hope

There are other fish in sea. There have to be, like, literally dozens of female gamers in the world. And you play enough to run into them. You know what? That guy has a pretty high pitched voice. Could be a girl. Just in case, you should probably tea bag when you kill 'em.

Cover your bases that way.