Oh, the smooth-talking, wise-cracking, treasure-hunting hunky man candy that is Nathan Drake. Sure he kinda looks like that douchebag bro who took the kegstand at the frat party last weekend, but underneath it all, Drake's a big ol' softie. And let's face it, there's a reason it's the frat guys and not us nerds that get all the ladies. I may be baffled by it and not know what that reason is, but I'm sure it must exist, right? Right?
In any case, Drake is what Frankenstein's monster would have been like if it had actually turned out the way it was supposed to. He's got the looks of an ultimate frisbee-playing college hunk, the witty wisecracks of Spider-Man, the rugged attitude of Indiana Jones, and the "immature man-slut settling down with a nice girl" story arc of every Ryan Reynolds romance blockbuster. Speaking of Ryan Reynolds... if only those two could come together in some way... a sort of Uncharted movie, as it were. I know everyone's gaga over the possibility of Nathan Fillion playing Drake, but this works much better in my mind.
Things that are hot: Bad girls, bad girls, and bad girls with a redemptive character lurking just underneath that tough, independent exterior. Chloe Frazer is the latter of those, but don't let that fool you into thinking this is some summer Hollywood romance chick flick heroine. Chloe was hailed (rightfully so, I might add) as "head and shoulders above all video game characters" by a sexual analysis of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves from author Tom Cross on Gamasutra.
He (and now I) would like to point out that Chloe is not only strong and independent, but remarkably sexual in her characterization without being, for lack of better term, a slut. People love to argue about the sexual overtones or lack thereof in video game females (Princess Peach vs. Bayonetta), but Chloe acts and sounds like a real human being, with real desires, not scripted ones. That's what makes her so damn attractive. And I swear it's only that, and nothing else.
Confession time: I have never wanted to jump a video game male as much as Garcia Fucking Hotspur. First of all, the dude is a total badass. He's a demon hunter. He kills demons like it's his job, because it is. Which by the way, who pays for that sort of thing? It's gotta be someone with good cash, because I don't know if you took the time to look around, but Garcia's got a pretty tight pad that I for one would love to call home. He can also rock a purple leather jacket, that is when he's not just strutting around with nothing but ripped abs, wicked scars and sweet tats, like a boss.
Garcia is also fully aware of his constant sexual innuendo, giving him a self-aware presence that reflects back as humorous and fun as opposed to dickish and off-putting. He's also a loyal lover to the end, as he swims through Hell to find and rescue his beloved Paula, not stopping even if it means taking on the Lord of the Dead himself. And they say men won't commit.
Yyyyyyyup. You're welcome, you sick perverts.
I dare you to find one hetero or bisexual gamer girl who doesn't want to totally do Solid Snake and/or Solid Snake's disembodied voice, courtesy David Hayter. He is the epitome of cool. He is the monolith of awesomeness. Snake is so utterly and terrifyingly sexy that neither mustache nor mullet can stop him. He's also a smoker, which movies tell me is cool, so there's that too.
Oh come on, do I need to list why this man is so spectacularly lady-fap-tabulous? He has single-handedly stopped nuclear annihilation more times than James Bond, and does so while wearing a mullet. He freed the entire world from an economy based on war, while wearing a mullet. He was infected with a man-made virus, which was designed to - but didn't! - kill him, presumably because it knew he was going to grow a fucking mullet and drive a robot dinosaur in the future. And why does he do all this?
Because he's Solid Snake, by God. And he's earned his rest, which I imagine is spent on a bed of women. God speed, Snake. God speed. (salute)