I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the chances of you meeting porn star Jenna Haze, supermodel Heidi Klum, or actress Eva Longoria to do the nasty in real life are slim to none. That's why we have pictures on the Internet and locks on our bedroom doors. But there is another upside to this fact we nerds can use to our advantage: if anyone thought your unhealthy obsession over that infamous Lara Croft nude hack made you creepy, feel free to point out that your chances of meeting the shapely Ms. Croft are just about the same as those mentioned above.
In other words, it's totally cool to fantasize about fictional people. And I'm gonna add some fuel to that fire of passion with this sultry list of sexy video game characters. Bow chicka wow wow!
5. (Women) Morrigan Aesland Darkstalkers
Morrigan is a succubus. Okay? She's a succubus. For those that don't know, that means she's a demon whose entire purpose is to infiltrate dreams in the guise of a beautiful woman and have sex with sleeping men in order to steal their manpower (if you know what I mean) and make more demons. However, since, according to legend, demons are infertile, what they actually do is act as sexy tupperware for semen by carting it over to a sleeping human female, transforming into their male counterpart, the incubus, and impregnating them with the stolen sperm. Or they might not, and just give you the most terrifying nocturnal emission you've ever had.
Sadly, while Morrigan is one of the most sexually appealing characters in all of video game history with her come hither looks, sinfully good taste in clothing, and massive
her kind was basically the best excuse horny teenagers could come up with for why Mom found stains in the laundry. And despite the proliferation of hot succubi imagery that abounds on the Internet, classic artists pictured them more like this in their true form, and H.R. Giger envisioned Lilith, one of the first succubi, looking like this. Yeah, try to put that into a leotard.
5. (Men) Ryu Hayabusa Ninja Gaiden/Dead or Alive
That sword, that skill, that body, those piercing green eyes! How could any woman resist? Yes, Ryu Hayabusa is one lean, mean, killing machine and we love him for it. Or we throw our controllers in massive rageface. Or we just realize that God can't help us now and we crawl off to our corner, alone and shaking in the fetal position.
Ultimately, that's what's so appealing about Ryu. He's a tough S.O.B. And won't tone it down for anyone. Well, I mean that plus he's a ninja. Forget doctors or lawyers dear sugar-daddy hunters, ninja is where the husband market is at. Unfortunately, Ryu's often physically and emotionally unavailable, and if you've played DoA: Dimensions, you know that he's not above slapping the shit out of women not in their rightful place. Plus, his hair is just one tiny step away from a mullet, and not the good kind. Yes, there are good mullets. More on that later.
4. (Women) Joanna Dark Perfect Dark
She's a redhead bounty hunter with skintight outfits, more attitude than Boba Fett, and a sci-fi arsenal that's as awesome as it is fun to use. She may work as a hired gun for a hypercorporation, but she's still one of the good guys. Hell, she got kicked out of school when she was young for standing up to a bully and asserting herself, in the process hospitalizing him. She loves extreme sports and takes every opportunity she can to show off her skills, but it never comes across as desperation.
Joanna is the perfect tough girl fantasy. She's basically Meryl from Metal Gear Solid without the weird (SPOILER) "my uncle is really my father, and I don't know what it means to be pretty" complex going on that apparently results in some totally wicked triceps and the classiness to wear a gun harness over a wedding gown. While both women are total badasses and Meryl is certainly a great female role model in gaming, it's ultimately the fantastic Rare writing vs. stilted, stereotypical anime writing of Meryl's story that give Joanna the winning edge. You want a woman you can talk to, don't ya?
4. (Men) Dante Devil May Cry
I can't tell if Dante qualifies as a silver fox or not. He's only in his early thirties, but that distinctive rustic charm that comes from running around castles and wearing a duster coat definitely calls to something more refined and aged, like fine wine. Half-demon, one-liner-spouting, sexy wine. Oh yeah, and the white hair. That's definitely a factor too.
The cover of Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening makes him look like someone threw a sword at an Abercrombie & Fitch model and said, "Here, now pose." Which is
how do I say this
mmm, yummy. Look, dude is sexy because he's confident, good-looking, and he cares about helping out Lady, even after she shoots him in the skull. Women like a guy who can come back from heated arguments like that with a cool head.
3. (Women) Sarah Kerrigan StarCraft
Like Joanna and plenty of other kick-ass female heroines, Kerrigan is pretty skilled at handling big equipment. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Okay, no seriously. The guns ghosts use in StarCraft are nuts. Absolutely ri-goddamn-diculous. And Kerrigan wasn't so much a soldier as she was an extremely powerful psychic who had a gun put to her head at age 12 in the name of "training." She's also got some trust issues with men, which by the way happen to be completely understandable.
She's rocking some pretty sweet dreads these days, but (SPOILER) otherwise seems to have overcome her anger and infection, as the end of StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty shows her carried off by Jim Raynor, content and happy at her rescue. So I guess that's the only downside. To get with Kerrigan, you've got to go through Raynor. You know, the guy who pretty much took down three major galactic empires? Good luck with that.