The Relationship: Alright, if you're on this site, you know this one. If you somehow don't, just google it- wait, actually, don't google it. You may find some
The Problems: It's not a class issue: even Luigi managed to score a princess in the Mushroom Kingdom and, come on, he's Luigi here. No, the problem is that Princess Peach and Bowser are clearly doing the warp-pipe shuffle behind Mario's mustachioed back.
I'll give you a minute.
But Lev, you're saying, calling my name out to the computer with a plaintive wail of disbelief. "There are eight koopa kids, each with their own castle, plus Baby Bowser. How could Bowser and Peach crank that many out while she was captured?" Well, reader, maybe they didn't. Maybe the princess got peached while they were all together playing tennis. Or baseball. Or soccer. They have a lot of opportunities. And if Bowser really isn't hitting that, why is he so eager to spend summer recreation around his general enemies?
The Relationship: In Dante's Inferno (both in the game and the book) Dante literally travels his way through hell to save the soul of his love. In only one version, however, does he battle death and shoot magic-crosses to kill bat-monsters.
The Problems: Yes, Dante fights through hell to save his woman. But why is she in dead in the first place? Well, because Dante went and cheated on her with another woman, who offered herself in exchange for Dante sparing the life of her "brother." This "brother" turned out to actually be the woman's husband, who, understandably irked at Dante's actions, kills Beatrice.
But it's okay guys: Beatrice gets back at him by eating Satan's forbidden fruit, which is almost certainly exactly what that sounds like. Somehow, if you smash buttons enough, it's heavily implied that they'll end up in heaven together. The game leaves out the awkward conversations that probably followed.
The Relationship: Well, it was technically between Jumpman and Pauline, but we all know who that jumping-man is. And while he was a carpenter, it's not like this is the first time our plumbing friend has taken a job he was unqualified for. Just ask the kids in the malaria ward about "Dr." Mario. Still, the romance is clear: upon rescuing her, a heart floats lovingly above the screen
The Problems: Why does Donkey Kong kidnap Pauline? Unlike Bowser, it isn't part of their secret love affair. He kidnaps her because Mario was mistreating him. This is a pretty distressing claim, because it means that Mario is the sort of jerk to antagonize an enormous ape, which doesn't bode well for any relationship. But reunited they stayed together, until Mario realized he could totally score a princess.
The Relationship: Link has saved Zelda on numerous occasions. On a bunch of these occasions though, Zelda was somewhat to fairly badass: she was a pirate once, seems to keep light arrows handy and pretends to be a mysterious ninja dude sometimes.
The Problems: First, the obvious problem: Link does all the work and it's the "Legend of Zelda"? That's like calling the Miami Heat "The Adventures of Chris Bosh." Or like calling this game "The adventure of Navi giving you much needed advice". But the real issue is the timeline. It's a confusing mess that the Nintendo heads claim to have figured out, but for now all we know is that there are a bunch of different Links and Zeldas, and with split-timeline theories, time-traveling swords and identical outfits, it's almost inevitable that there is going to be some
odd overlap. We're talking some real "Back to the Future" type problems up in here.
And when you're relationship is pretty significantly undercut by being seduced by a tiny shadow demon while you're some sort of wolf-monster, your normal human relationship may be in trouble.