Hey, Zelda! Zellllda!!! Are we out of Deku juice again? Zelda! What, you're just going to ignore me? Real mature, Zelda. God, you can be such a child sometimes. All you ever do is complain about me not talking to you, and now this? Well, hunker down, princess. You want me to talk, I'll f**king talk.

So I was out all night with the guys. Big whoop. My day's not all rupees and fairy fountains, you know. Sometimes I have to save a certain princess from a certain warthog demon.

You know what I did today? I chopped down, like, a thousand bushes. I was covered in dirt, my hands were bloody and I got attacked by some real weird sh*t. I'm f**king lucky when I'm not getting chased by a seven-foot-tall lizard with a sword. That's a Wednesday for me. But it puts food on the table.

All I ask is for you to keep the castle clean and maybe pick up some juice every now and again. Is that too much for you to handle, your highness?

Some days I wish I hadn't even rescued you. I didn't have to. Hell, I didn't even know you. Ol' Link was out having the time of his life, yes he was: An elven bachelor cutting up the dance floor instead of those endless, godforsaken shrubs, some of which spit bombs at me, by the way. And this is what I come home to?

It's not like you were the only princess in town. No, believe me, sweetheart, there were plenty. And I was tooting my ocarina all the way to their pants.

If you think it stopped after my first quest, think again, honey. When I saved you that first time, those Hyrule skanks couldn't throw themselves at me fast enough. I could've gotten mad tail. That Zora freak, she liked it underwater. That Goron broad was a real rock-gobbler — wanted to climb Dodongo's Mountain, if you catch my drift. And don't get me started on the Ritos. I don't even know if that would've been legal.

But no, I kept saving your ungrateful ass. Multiple times. You get "kidnapped" by Ganon so much I'm starting to wonder if you want to be with him. Don't even pretend like you don't remember getting all drunk that one night and propositioning me for a Tri-way with him. If you're so curious, just fucking go! But don't come begging for me when he turns into a pig again. I'm done. Ol' Link ain't playing the fool no more. No, ma'am.

Every time I have to plow my way through a bunch of dungeons, I come out different on the other side. It changes me, Zelda. It fucking changes me. I can't go anywhere without constantly looking over my shoulder for a boar-mounted goblin or a dispossessed hand waiting to snatch me up. I'm doing all I can not to freak the fuck out in the middle of the marketplace and start hookshotting everyone's face off. What are you doing? Huh? Not keeping the fridge stocked, that's for fucking sure.

Oh, are you going to cry? Am I not "respecting" your "feelings"? Princess Zelda. Pfft. More like Drama Queen Zelda.

I should have seen this coming from the start. You had just broken up with that Mike dickhead, and I thought just because I'd saved your life I could save you, too. Well, you can save a princess from an evil wizard, but you can't save her from being a self-centered bitch!

We shared some crazy traumatic experience, then I go and marry the spoiled brat whose mom is AWOL and whose dad wasn't even trying to get her back. Good one, Link! She's probably emotionally stable! This Master Sword isn't going to help me with you. I need a fucking Master of Science in psychology.

That's right. Go call your sister. Tell her what a jerk I am. And tell her when she comes to pick you up to bring some damn Deku juice!