3. Press X to OHHH GAWD (Heavy Rain)


Take it from Will Ferrell's character in Wedding Crashers and Heavy Rain protagonist Ethan Mars: grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac. After being beaten, electrocuted, and chopping off his goddamn finger, Ethan gets hopped up on painkillers and confesses he might be a schizophrenic who is torturing his own son to the only chick who up to this point was willing to help him and keep the poor bastard from dying alone in his hotel room. Of course, that all leads to… sex? Interactive sex? With lots of kissing and moaning that goes on for an unnecessarily long time and is super awkward? Yes, apparently.

It's meant to be a connecting moment for star-crossed lovers and, like other entries on this list, isn't exactly something you would keep bookmarked in your save files for a lonely night. So it's classy and heartfelt, but when you start to examine it in context, it's just fucking weird. Kinda like the whole game, come to think of it.

Madison Paige sure is a good-looking spectre of the digital world, even if she haunts the Uncanny Valley.

Classiness Level 8: for the tasteful re-creation of real world sexual awkwardness in video games.

2. Something Blue (Mass Effect)


Mass Effect was a game that emphasized romance and relationships over sexual satisfaction. While some still saw the romance side quest as just another achievement to unlock, its intentions were far more meaningful. Of course, that doesn't stop it from containing a scene of blue-alien-boob-on-human-boob action, along with the most perfectly-lighted tush ever seen.

Yes, that's right! The game featured what was previously thought an impossibility: a classy, sensual, meaningful sex scene. Featuring lesbians. It also showed how desperate some of us were for a real relationship.

What? No, I wasn't talking about myself! Why would you think that? It's not like I had a friend come over, play a newly-created save file just so he could unlock the Paramour achievement in the sequel for me because I refused to cheat on Liara… No, that would be… that would just be sad… …Ahem.

Classiness Level 10: for lesbian sex full of hugs, kisses, and gratuitous sideboob, the classiest kind of boob.

And Now, What You've All Been Waiting For…

1. He's a politician, what'd you expect? (GTA IV: The Lost and the Damned)


Anthony Weiner cannot hold a candle to Congressman Thomas Stubbs. While the real-world Democrat Representative may have twit-pic'd his shame across the Interwebs, Rockstar dropped a virtual bombshell on just about every homophobic, GTA-loving teen who tricked their mother into buying the M-rated game for them. At first, you think everything's just a tease. Congressman Stubbs is receiving a massage, so you think… you know, there might be some happy ending in here somewhere. Nope, the masseuse is leaving. Oh thank God, Stubbs has a towel over his… But then that's removed. Oh, but the camera stays above-waist. Whew! And finally… Hello! Oh. I mean uh… hello? Anyone home? Is Stubbs a nickname, Congressman?

Yes, I'm saying he has a small penis. That's the joke here. But at least it was played for laughs in an ironic way, making both protagonist and player feel the sheer awkwardness that women have been feeling for years every time tits bounce into our games from nowhere.

Classiness Level: Over 9000!!! for making a poignant example about possible sexism through a comedy bit. Man, I wish I could do that…