The Super Nintendo

You never forget your first time. Back then, you didn't care how "edgy" or "cool" a girl was, you just wanted to have fun. Pure, sweet, innocent fun. Sure, she wasn't the hottest girl you'd ever date, but she had personality. Like all first loves, you thought it would last forever, which is why it was such a surprise when you dumped her for…

The Playstation

Look, you were young. It was seventh grade, and she had all the things you loved in your old girlfriend, but with more… depth. Hoping for a nostalgia trip, you looked her up recently. Big mistake — how did someone so devastatingly attractive end up looking so ugly? Maybe you should give SNES a call — I hear she's as cute and fun as ever.

The Virtual Boy

She looked different than any girl you'd ever dated. Not prettier, but more exciting. A mutual friend talked her up for months, telling you how much you were going to like her. She had a septum piercing, dyed hair, and a neck tattoo. You thought hooking up with her would blow your mind. You ended up with a headache and a whole lot of regret. The novelty wore off REAL quick.

The Xbox 360

The first few months of your relationship were amazing. You spent every waking hour together and ditched out on family and friends just so you could be with her. She got you into all the coolest parties and you met a lot of interesting people (though some of them were total dicks). Then, out of nowhere, things just stopped working. You're still not entirely sure what you did wrong. Maybe she just wasn't made for a long-term relationship.

The Wii

On a whim, instead of going for the sexiest girl in the room, you decided to take home the quirky art school chick. It was fun at first, but now, whenever you ask for something new, she reminds you she's different from everyone else, and, damn it, you should appreciate her for that. And you do. You really do. Sometimes, though, a guy just wants something a little more, um…

The PS3

Hot. Oh God, she's so hot. Sometimes you think you could just sit and watch her talk all day. (Which is good, because often you'll be doing just that.) Sure, she has expensive tastes, and doesn't really like to do that many different things, and you'll definitely have to buy her some accessories if you want to make the relationship work, but, um… we mentioned the hot part, right?

The Dreamcast

You dated her when you were young and stupid. Even though you had fun together, you broke up so you could try new things. Secretly, you always thought she'd be there when you were finally ready to settle down. But by the time you wised up and realized that she was the girl for you, she was already off the market. You've dated a lot since then, but you'll occasionally catch yourself thinking about her and what could have been.
Also, her boobs were awesome. Like Jet Grind Radio.

Written with Brian Murphy.