5. Navi (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
It may be cheap to take shots at the little one. After all, she's just trying to be helpful. But pointing out the obvious isn't always the best route to take when you're trying to strike up a conversation with the fairer sex.
"LOOK!" I know, Navi, I see it. I noticed the spaghetti strap tank-top the second I walked into this joint. Stop trying to blatantly draw my attention to it mid-convo it's hard enough keeping my gaze above the neckline when I have a few pints sloshing around in me. "HEY! LISTEN!" I got it, I'm trying to talk over here. Whose side are you on anyway?
And the worst part? You can't get rid of Navi by shouting "I don't believe in fairies". Trust me, I've tried.
4. Kratos (God of War)
No one likes a show off. And a battle-scarred Spartan that waltzes into the bar with his rippling biceps and dramatically lamenting about his dead wife is the equivalent of being the single dad pushing a stroller in the local park on "Mommy & Me Day". You'll never stand a chance.
Not to mention, the white-washed bastard has like three drunken orgies during the work week. On a Tuesday. Before breakfast. Who can complete with that?
Hey Kratos. Take a hike and leave some for us. Oh, and put a shirt on, dude.
3. Nathan Drake (Uncharted)
An ideal wingman knows how to talk you up and sing your praises like your own personal entourage of sexy angels. But you never, never want him to outshine you. So in this case, don't count on funny man Nate Drake to make you look good. Not only does he have hair that would bring Cristiano Ronaldo to his knees, Drake's always got some kind of snappy comeback that leaves the fairer sex weak in their knees. And his cute quips will charm will him a sexy ticket to explore Shambhala; leaving you pathetically hanging off the cliff slide. Alone.
So no matter how charming and witty you think you can be, Groucho over here will always upstage your ass.
2. Falco Lombardi (Star Fox)
The only thing worse than the wingman that's outshining you is the wingman who belittles you in front of the girl. Instead of trying to find a way to casually drop the fact that you scored the only goal in your coed soccer league last night, Falco will make some quip about how you had to sit out the rest of the game because you pulled a muscle. Or he'll make a toast in front of everyone about how you got passed up in that promotion last week. Thanks a lot, big guy. I think I can take it from here.
Falco is never satisfied with anything you do and not only makes you feel inadequate; he'll barrel roll your dignity up in front of the cutie before you've even had a chance to grossly exaggerate your salary.
While he may get that bogey off your tail in a Corneria dogfight, he's completely B-Bombing your any chance you had with the ladies. Hell, you may be better off with Slippy. And that's sayin' something.
1. Mr. Resetti (Animal Crossing)
By the time you've come back with the next round of drinks, the take-a-chill-pill gopher from Animal Crossing will have creeped out the potential prospect right out of the beer-soaked, vinyl booth. And you know he won't save his rant for the ride home; he's gotta air out all the dirty laundry in front of everyone. And his tirade is going to last for. ev. er.
Alright, alright chill. I promise I'll save my game, but next time, I'm leaving you back at the apartment with a six pack of Hamms and a pack of Prozac.
And the Best Wingman is
Alyx Vance (Half Life)
Everyone knows an attractive female by your side is the best possible wingman. A girl will always trust another girl with their opinion; it's a beautiful, unspoken agreement. Especially ones with brains, wit and beauty like our favorite freedom fighter. Who knows, if you're lucky maybe Alyx will let you borrow Dr. Freeman's Gravity Gun after closing time, if you know what I mean?
You know, for getting stuff from hard to reach places. Girls love that.